Friday, December 24, 2010

A Gentleman



So I was on the phone with my white friend and I took a call over the radio, but I needed gas. I pull into the gas station and I see another cab at the pump but he looks hesitant, (he started to put the gas handle back and stopped and put it to his car, then stopped again and put it in his tank). I thought that was strange, so I pull up, so I see why he was so hesitant. The car door was open on a caravan across from the pumps, and this man was pullin someone, so I say to my friend, I think he is tryin to throw this girl out the car, but then he starts to punchin, so I pull up some, it wasn't a girl he was whippin this mans ass, so I pull off.

I told my friend that it was a man gettin his ass whipped not a woman gettin put out of the car. He sounded confused, so I tell him that when a ghetto mofo gets mad at you he will throw yo ass out the car physically, but a gentleman will ask you to go into the store and get him something and pull off and leave you. He said "what! that is what you call a gentleman" I had to laugh when I realized how stupid I sounded, but I know what I meant, it is fucked up either way.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Lesbian Brawl


So I pick up this guy from an apartment and I can tell by the way he looks, that he is going to flirt. So he gets in and is like, “well this is a treat a woman driver.” I said "O I thought you were going to say an American" and laughed and he said, “well I thought you would have an accent, but you don't so that is good too.” So he starts right into his story..” Man I met this girl at the gym and she seemed to be feelin me, she told me she was gay, but I was like fuck it, when she invited me over. I go over there and she is like you want to watch me and my girlfriend have sex.” He was like “hell no, I don’t want to watch, I want to be a part of that shit!” so he and I laughed and he continued, “so she felt my dick and saw what I was workin with, so then the man one comes home.” I said, “the butch one?” and he said, “yea that is what she is called the butch one. “

He said, “she started flirtin with me harder then so did the female one, the female went outside and the butch one wanted to see my dick too, by the time the female came in the house the butch one was pullin up her pants, she was showin me her ass.” He said "actually the butch was was badder than the female one, she just wore boy clothes. So apparently the night before a female condom was found on the floor by the butch one so they were already having some issues. The female said something to the butch, all I know is that butch one smooched the female and they got to wreckin in the house".

So I said you should have stopped everything and been like "whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, I will fuck both of yall! No need to fight, I mean both of ya'll can suck my dick, everybody calm down, there's enough of big daddy to go around". So he fell out laughin and said “you damn right, I should have said that, I am backed up too, shiiiiiiiit". So I laughed. He left me $20.00 on a $7.00 dollar ride.

The Scared Ones

FedEx fields is not in the best area of Prince Georges County and depending on which way you exit, you are right smack in the wrong place. This is where I sit and wait for my prey. They think they are going toward the metro, but are completely turned around. I picked up a young white couple to take them back to their hotel. The way you come out of this area, you have to ride through the ghetto to get to certain parts to avoid the traffic.

I told them I was going to take a back way to get them to their hotel so we wouldn't get caught in traffic. They hadn't said a peep, man I glanced in the the back, they were frightened to death, the woman asked me could I lock the doors so I did, they were clutchin each other, like they were the only white people in the middle of SouthEast. Then they said "why are you taking us this way", I said "to avoid traffic", then I got cute and asked them did they want to get out and get another cab (I laughed so hard inside). What losers!

The Skins Fan



After the redskins game, I picked up to white guys (I know I vowed before not to do it), but money is tight. The guy got into the back of my car, they wanted me to take them to the metro. I asked who won the game, he said the other team, I can't remember who they were playing. So he started punchin the back of my seat like a punchin bag, and screaming...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I CAN'T BELEIVE THEY LOST. This lasted for about 1 minute until the guy he was with was like calm down man damn. They talked for a bit and then got in a fight about money. We arrived at the station and the sane guy paid me and got out and closed the door on the other guy (the one punchin the seat) “…looked at me and said, “ this was your fault, you got to the station too soon” in a weird calm voice. So I looked in the rear view mirror and he said, "how much did he give you"? with a slur, and I said, "$10. 00", he stared at me for 10 seconds and then got out of the car!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Long Leg Lola


So I pick up a lady at the metro station. When she got in the first thing she said was, "Wow women driving cabs now". I said "women got bills to", so she laughed and just started rambling, she said "you know there is a place where you don't have bills, and you can be with your family, you don' t have work or worry about money", so I interjected and said "is this place virtual". she was like "no it is called heaven".... first thought bible thumper. So I said "I see, you have to be dead to get there". So she rambled on and on about church, and then said can you take me to the gas station so I can get some cream soda. I said "sure".

Here is where things get strange. I pull up to the gas station, mind you I never got a good look at her. She said "I am leaving my stuff in the back, don't leave me, I don't want to walk, there are some crazies around here". I am sitting there waiting, and all of a sudden this lady pushes the the gas station door all rough and is moving swiftly in my direction, I am like WTF, she had a nappy bush pushed up (not picked), thick bifocals, and a long black trench coat that was bubbled up like the Michelin Man, she opened the door all hard, I thought she robbed the place, so I looked back all quick and said everything okay, and she said, "O yea, I got what I came for" (she stole that shit).

So I start off to her house and some how the conversation gets on pedophiles and you don't know who's doing what and telling me about her five children, (now I swear it was not me that lead her to this conversation, cause everyone that knows me, knows I think everybody is a pedophile or rapist, but this time it wasn't me). So we pull into the apartment complex and she hands me the Jehovah's witness literature, and paid me, then she opens the door steps out and says "they call me Long Leg Lola" in a sensual voice (with that hair and glasses). So I looked at her with a confused face and said okay (I am like why the hell is she telling me this), have a nice night and she closes the door..... I think she might have been a whore.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Random Facts




A man got in my car tonight, after he told me where he wanted to go he let me know that a womans mouth is the same as her vagnial lips, I just said "o yea", that was it there was no other conversation. I dropped him off and he paid me.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Translation

It was slow last night, and a foreign guy (Hispanic looking) gets into the car. He has his address written down, I take him to the street and he says something under his breath, so I thought he was asking how much, so my dumb ass says "$8.00". she says it again, I repeat "$8.00" again, so he looks at me and nods and I look at him and nod, so he says it louder, and finally understood what he was saying, he was saying suck dick... suck dick. So then the confusion for me was does he think I am sucking his dick for $8.00 or do I know where he can get his dick sucked.

So I say "no suck dick", and did my arms in a driving fashion (the drive) and said $8.00. He said okay and gave me $10.00 and got out of the car. So I guess he was asking me to suck his dick, since he left with no further clarification.

I am burned out doing this shit. The hatred is at an all time high.

The Tussle

I was at the metro on the phone with my white friend, I look up and and see this guy and girl fightin like shit. So they must have been fighting for a minute because they both look winded. He starts to choke her! One of the cars started to honk the horn, but that is it. My white friend was like "what the fuck call the police!" and you were like "I ain't getting involved, there are other people out here including the station manager, it was right in front of the station; and no one else was doing anything" There was a guy driving the car and also a guy in the backseat, the guy gets out the back of the car and says something, and the guy choking the girl, stuffs her in the car and they pull off.

What was that (I farted), no really what was that?

The Toss



It was as Sunday and slow, but it was a home game night at FedEx Fields, so I was really waiting for the game to end to make the money for that night. I was coming back from a drop in DC and as usual I swung around to Cheverly metro to catch some stragglers. A guy walked up and asks if I am working, I tell him yes and he gets in. He said "I need to go multiple places if that is okay, so we gonna take a ride". I said "okay", he gave me $60.00 up front. He said money isn't an issue tonight, he just came into some good fortune.

So he was nice, talkin about his relationship I was giving him advice as I usually do. So the strangeness starts to come out, so he asks me if he could use my cellphone cause he doesn't have one. I let him use it, so we are ridin on 295 and he points to the trees and says I am going to go cop some of these". I say o yea, he said "You know what I mean". I said "no and I don't want to know". so I drop him off wait a minute and he gets back in, he says can you take me to the liquor store. So while we are in line, there is a helicopter in the air, mind you there is a game at FedEx fields, which I assume the helicopter was watchin. But he says that helicopter has been following us. I said I don't think so it is not close enough and this is not GoodFellas, you need to live yo life right, so he starts to laugh, as we pull out of the liquor store, he asks if I could roll down his window (I control all of the windows). I said "okay" this nigga threw his cellphone out of the window.

#1 where did you get a cellphone he told me he didn't have one and
#2 why the hell did you through it out of the window.

The helicopter was too close, so now he needed to get a new phone, so we went to like 3 Lowest Price gas stations to see if they had any of those quick phones. At the second gas station we went to he started to pick up a prostitute but changed his mind. He gave her the opener and she said why don't you give me a ride? He paused and then said, you have to ask her and pointed at me. (WTF?), she just kept walkin, so he closed the door and proceeded to say that the lord saved him from her (I can't). So he just kept talkin about the damn helicopter, so we get him a phone I take him to Popeyes and then to his house.

The sad thing is by the end of the ride, I think that helicopter was following us. I didn't see it anymore after I dropped him. So he was like, "I like you do you have any cards". I said "naw, none on me", he "said don't worry I will get your number from my man I called earlier"....

"THAT BITCH SET ME UP" (Marion Barry).

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Hat


A man walked through the metro parking lot with this hat on last night, except it was black with a white feather.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Pearls of Wisdom


As a child people always ask, what do you want to be when you grow up. You get moderate exposure to different things and you lie to people so they will shut up and leave you alone, cause you really don't know and don't care until one day you see it/hear and all the clouds just part and the sun shines upon you. Well that is what happened to me when I saw a madam on TV. A pimp, seemed to be my calling, this was the perfect profession. The "middle man" I am the perfect middle man and I all have to do is arrange the date and collect the money, until I found out you had to be a whore first, it crushed my dreams...it really did.

So here I am under the seedy lights driving this cab, seems that I ended up whoring myself anyway. I had to give a bit of background because the passenger I picked up left a little light in my heart for a dream that died long ago.

The moon was high and bright this night and as I bent the corner a slight glint hit the cab, it was a nice night. As I was driving back to the station, I was being flagged down. I picked up a guy, he asked me to take him down town. He kept talking which I didn't feel like hearing because I was enjoying the weather, but I started to tune into his conversation. I don't even know what he was talkin about prior to me hearing this piece of information because I was just nodding my head. I heard him say, "my uncle is a pimp". I said "really when I was young I wanted to be a madam until I found out that you had to be a whore first." He told me that a lot of those madams are still under pimps, damn I had no idea that there was a hierarchy.

So I asked him do the pimps fuck all of their whoes? He told me there are two types of pimps. The ones that beat and fuck all their woman and the other types that turn the woman out; meaning before they make them a whoe they do everything imaginable to them to prep them for the game, they become addicted to the sex they want to be whoes. So once they come into the game he doesn't just have sex with them. I cut him off and said "oh they have to be up there to fuck big daddy huh", he thought that was so funny, but yea that is exactly right.

Man if I didn't have to be a whore I would have made a great pimp! But instead I am getting pimped Oh Well c'est la vie! I thought I would share these pearls of wisdom.

(and yes I do cry myself to sleep at night! I know you were thinking it).

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

When the Stars Align

You know when you get that eery feeling that something is going to happen, because off all the things going on around you, but you don't know what? Well I was going back to the station from a drop off and this car decides to jump out in front of me...I guess he didn't want to wait. The way the road was setup it had a divider in the middle and cars on both sides of the divider, because there were houses on both sides it was a residential area. The car flew out but in trying to miss the car he had to make a hard left turn and hit the divider and had to pull over. All they had to do was wait for me to pass dumb ass..... this was the first sign.

Then I was coming from taking another customer from the liquor store and across the street there is a gas station, so all I hear is the wheels squealing and a car flying, it flew out of the gas station into the air between us and the cars waiting for the light. I thought they robbed the store, because I looked over and saw the owner outside, but he was walking to calmly to his car with his thong flip flops on. So I hear the squealing tires again so the car came back and circled around, man I had a tinged of fear, I was like Lord please don't get to shootin out here, light please just change.

The light changes and I start to drive, I bend the corner a man jumps into the street and rips his shirt open holds out his arm and screams "TAAAAAKKKKEEE MEEEEEEEEEE!" I had to throw on the brakes I almost his this son of bitch. I was so mad, I drove around him and watch from the rear view mirror. He slowly crossed the street I went on. I was heated cause I am really tired of these people.

So a week later, I am sitting at the station talkin to another driver and the station manager who comes to hang out periodically says to did you see all the metro police up here the other day. He was like yea, what was going on? The station manger was like it was a passenger tryin to kill himself, I had to hold him down and he was strong too, he kept taking his clothes off and the metro police finally arrived all he had was his pants around his legs when they got there, took them 45 minutes. The other driver was like yea I saw them taking him out with a sheet wrapped around him. Why was this the same man that jumped into the road, apparently since the cars would take him out he went to the station.

"Stop the madness" I know this is taking it back to the 80's but what else can I say at this point!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

A Love Story

As you may have read I ride around many weirdos and addicts, not all bad not all crazy. I present "High as a Kite" a crackhead love story.

This couple had flagged me down but I had a customer in the back, so once I dropped the customer I went back to pick them up. The woman was making general conversation and asked me to go to the bank to pick up some money. She was so pretty and sweet, she told me that she gets a monthly disability check because she had a stroke, she said it was due to drugs, she was 32 at the time, she is now about 37.

I asked them where they were going and I took them, she said it was round trip. When the boyfriend got out I guess to procure the crack, I guess she thought I might be judging her. So she says "sometimes you can't get over things that happen in your life and you do things to cope." I told her I understood everyone has a vice, hell I eat to get through my troubles." She smiled and said "thank you for saying that". She said I was clean for two years, but he just got diagnosed with testicular cancer, so he started smoking and I fell off as well, I said is it fatal she said yea he is dying, his father and grandfather died from it too. She said "I was going to leave, but I am going to be there for him in the end, he has maybe a year she said".

As we waited she gave me a 20 bill. I told her that it was way too much and her trip would probably be like9 dollars and some change, she told me to keep it. She said I always take care of people and her mother told her should would be blessed because of it. He came back to the car and she said "I will be right back", they stepped out I assume to get high and got back in, Marvin Gaye's distant lover was playing on the radio, they asked me to turn it up as they laid on each others shoulders.

I saw him two months later and bought two watches from him for 5 dollars.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Weird Occurances



So the other day I was coming into the station and before I bent the corner there was a man sitting in the ditch. The way he was sitting was like when men leave the toilet seat up and you go in to pee and u do the fall in... you know they way your legs fly up. I thought he might have fell, but I watched him in my rear view. He didn't move, he wasn't shitting cause his pants were up (well doesn't mean he wasn't but you know what I mean). He was just staring straight ahead he didn't move.


I bring this up because a few months back I bent that same corner but up a ways and there was a girl sitting there. This is a road almost all the cars have to come in and out so not a good place to sit dangerous even. She was sitting turned to the side and crying, anyway thought that was worth noting.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Typical Friday Night

There was something in the air tonight, as I road my passenger into the city for work. He is a smoker, and I was feeling pretty good this night, so I gave him a full-bodied Macanudo cigar...I keep those in the car for some of my best customers. We talked about the events in the city and some of the fine art and museums.......Sorry I needed to have a moment where it seemed that cabbin was a little seductive, not the true hell it is. Here is what really happened.

The night was humid and hot, the smell ass was in the air, and my deodorant stopped working an hour ago and I was stuck in traffic trying to take my passenger to work.

He starts to tell me all he does for this woman who is pressing him to marry him after she had his baby, but she isn't workin because the baby is small, she has other children so he is taking care of them all (including her two adult brothers that are in the house in their late 30's early 40's). He goes into work and deals with the hell of working all day, then comes home listens to his girlfriend tell him how she doesn't get enough attention and he is never home, he listens to the kids and their issues, and he goes to school, on top of this he does not sex 3 week stretches at a time?

So I ask "So let me get this straight, you work all day long while she is sitting around, you go to school, you listen to her bitch and complain and all her kids bullshit, and then you don't get any pussy or get your dick sucked for 3 weeks at a time, and she doesn't understand why you ain't running down the isle?" After I recapped what he told me, I look in the rear view mirror and he had this look of hatred in his eyes and he gently nodded, he put his head down slightly in sadness. At that moment I became silent cause I thought, he is going to open the door and jump to his death or kill himself, I actually gave him some good advice.

So I drop him and it begins to rain really hard, hard enough where I should have pulled over, but of course I didn't because calls were coming out on the radio. I made a few more drop offs, then I got a pick up from PG hospital, two woman and a young boy. While were in route to take them home it had stopped raining and I had rolled down my windows, a police officer pulls up beside me and says "what??! you tryin to race me" of course I could not let this go, I say "don't make me embarrass you out here." I came to my senses when the light turned green, but I was going slow so I thought. Well the light goes off and he pulls me over, I was doing 20 miles over, but he just wanted to socialize. He wanted everyone's information, and he was just talkin and talkin he was about to get off so I guess he needed someone to play with. So he questioned all of us about our ages, he never once asked for my drivers license or my hack license. So when we started to question him cause he had already given his birth date but not the year, the girl in the back said "1957", which I was thinking too until I saw the look of disbelief that she would think something like that.

But he looked old. He had blond hair (and he was a white guy by the way so you won't think he was black with dyed hair) but it was dried out like an old man didn't have any sheen or luster to it, he had cracks in his face and dark plaque between his teeth, so when he said 1974, I was astonished; 36!! life had not been kind to him. He told us to have a nice night after I had missed probably 50 dollars while he ran his mouth for 20 minutes and we were on our way.

P.S. When I asked him his name he smiled with a kittenish grin with the dark plaque between every tooth and said Officer Friendly, like he was sexy! Pissed me off.

The African Booty Scratcher


In the last 6 months I have been called an African Booty Scratcher at least seven times... seven TIMES by seven different people. Now I use to use this term when I was eight, I thought this was the funniest thing in the on earth to call someone an African Booty Scratcher, I mean it just sounds funny, but I was EIGHT and that was in the 80's.....this is 2010 and this is being yelled at me by adults WTF!

Then they feel stupid when they see I am not even African. I have an excellent example cause it ended up being one of my passengers. I pull up to the house, the street was really tight because their were cars on both sides, so if another car pulls up you have to find a place to pull over to let them by. On top of that it is summer and their are kids grouped up near cars on top of cars. So I happen to pull up to let a car by, of course there was a group of kids. So the customers comes out of the house yellin, "YOU PULLED UP TO FAR IDIOT", FUCKIN IDIOT, GADAMN AFRICAN BOOTY SCRATCHIN FUCKIN IDIOT." So the kids are like do you hear this bitch, I think you should leave her, so the lady walks over to this guy and the kids say "annnnd she buyin drugs" so the form a chant "leave her, leave her". So I back the car up this bitch is still yellin and callin me names. So she opens the door and gets in and I see the look of shock come over her face, I not sure if it was because I was a woman or she could see the deadness in my eyes, but she silent and turned nice.

I asked her where she was going and I took her. My point being that multiple people --adults, are still using the term, come on now..... it's 2010.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Cellphone



The following events I take full responsibility for because my doors should have been locked.

It was 3:25 am Saturday morning, I was tired and irritated because their were no calls coming from the dispatch on the first of the month on a Holiday weekend... The bitch was in the office sleep, on top of that I had to cuss out another driver, So I am hanging strong at the metro glad the night is about to be over. I pull around the corner and this weird looking white woman comes out of nowhere, like in a scary movie and jumps in front of the car with her hands out for me to stop.

She looked all scary and disheveled and it appeared that she didn't have shoes on. She had this long hair that was parted in the middle and bushy, her face was little as shit and she had on these sassy bifocals. Anyway she motions for me to stop by jumping in front of my car (like in a scary movie), I almost ran over her ass, her hands were on my hood, so I am stunned of course cause it is after 3 in the morning and this disheveled weirdo comes out of nowhere (she looked like a supernatural creature).

So I stop the car, (well I had no choice) I would have ran over this bitch (when you get to the end you will agree that I should have). She runs to the passenger door, here is where I have to take responsibility, If my doors were locked, I could have pulled the fuck off. Anyway she gets in lookin all crazy and stinkin and says "we got find them...go after them" I am cutting her off, "we got to find who" she is like "they have to be around here" I am yelling I am not going after no body? Go after who? Mannnnn, what the fuck is going on? What happened" she is like " go gurrrrrrallll, goooooo! (voice was irritating). I said I am not going no where, I am a woman I ain't getting caught up in yo shit" so she says "We can take gurrral come on" I yell back "MAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR". While this conversation is going on she is looking all around and clappin her fist together, then she looks over sees something and jumps out and yells call the metro police leaving the door open and leaves her purse and keys and shit behind. I yell "Bitch, I don't work for metro!" Now my first instinct is to throw her shit out of the car and pull off. As I gathered it up to toss it, I thought, this shit will get stolen she will say I took it and this station is the one I I usually sit at I don't need the drama, so I pull over, I am mad now.

I look over she ran over to this car of young black guys, so I can't hear what she is saying, all I hear is "Bitch get the fuck away from my car", I am like fuuuccck, so I start to walk up to tell metro manger so he can get this whore some help, so I walk as close as I can so he can see there is a situation, he knows me so he starts to come out I start yelling "this bitch is lunchin you need to call for some help". I hear the guy in the car yell louder "BITCH GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CAR" This stupid bitch is still standing their arguing, so he shoves her ass down and they pull off.

So she walks over still all hyped up, talkin bout "just cause I am from the hills, I can still take them and I am all I got I have to do my own investigative work", so the manager says what happened. She says, "I nodded off for two seconds on the train and someone took my cellphone".....I will pause for your reaction......., cause mine was not good.. I went off at that point, "you put my life in jeopardy for a muthafuckin cellphone, are you out of your muthafuckin mind"...I am flicking and flicking, so now the metro-police arrive, they pull up in a truck 6 deep and cockstrong, I was disgusted.

So her story begins to descend from this point. She tells them that she fell asleep on the train and someone took her cellphone and when she got off the train, the guy ran down the road and this car of black guys pull up and pick these girls up. That doesn't make any sense if the guy ran away he ran away. So the manager looks at her, I look at her and he asks where do you live, so she says isn't this Cheverly Metro, I say hell no this Landover metro, the manger looks at me and says the metro police can take her, I say okay and I left and more police began to pull up. As I walk away I hear her go on to say that she has to sleep in her car cause she had a fight with her sister and she didn't want to wake her parents, WTF!

This was the second crazy white woman I saw at the station tonight, I don't know what happened to the first one, all I saw was her hiding behind the brown recycled cans at the station.


I normally don't curse this much in my blogs but this whore deserves every foul thought and obscenity used for making me get indignant! BITCH!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Drink

When you are in your 30's there are certain liberties that you should be able to take without worrying about what your parents think of you. I pick up this guy and like many of my passengers he wants to go the liquor store before he goes in the house. I take him and he gets several hard liquors. He has a nice suit on and is telling all about his job good job on Capital Hill.

He talks a bit about his woman problems and we bullshit a bit more. He gets his drink and his cellphone rings. I can only hear from his end...all I hear is "well I didn't see, so I caught a cab", he keeps tryin to get a word in but is cut off each time by the person on the other end. He says "can you just take me to the Checkers right here she will be along to pick me up, I will pay you for your time?" I say "okay." I am thinking his girlfriend is being bitchy, cause he is like "she gets on my muthafucking nerves, I can not have any private time".

We pull in and I pull over while we wait he pulls out his bottles and sodas and starts mixing drinks, he asks me do I want one, I tell him nah, I am driving. He says I know you want one I am going to mix you a drink anyway. So a car pulls in and he screams to the top of his lungs, OH MY GOD SHE IS HERE...SHIT! All this commotion ensues in the back of the car I am like what the hell, so he pays me and starts to whisper hide this. In my mind I am like this Son of a Bitch has drugs on... the man is comin to get me! Why did he give me the bottles he just bought, and say I am not suppose to be drinking and jump out and say sorry momma I am comin.. running with his arms flailing like a small child.

What did I just witness?

The Night Was Sultry

Here lately the weather has been humid and I don't cut the air on in the cab because it burns too much gas. This night, I was about to go home but decided to pick up another call. It wasn't too many drivers out so I decided to go ahead and make some money. I picked the call up and he wanted to go to Addison Road station, so I dropped him there. I never sit at this station, but since I was there I was going to see if there was any money flowing.

A guy gets in my car and he looked startled at first probably because I was a woman or he could have thought I was ugly, who knows. He asks can I take him to eastern avenue, so I say okay, do you have an address, he said no, but I know how to get there (this is actually a common response). So we go up one side of Eastern Avenue and he says can you drive back down. In my mind I am like DAMN this is a prostitute situation, but the thing about Eastern Avenue is that they are all transvestites the men have run off all the woman even the crack whores.

So he says slow down, I know this person and asks me to roll down his window. Before I go any further this man looked like Conan the barbarian (the trick/prostitute not the passenger), I mean there was nothing feminine about him. There are feminine shemales out there that you can't tell are men until they speak, but this one, I mean had nothin girly about him except his clothes. So it tells my passenger the price will be $75.00, it gets in. Because I have a bullet proof sheild up it is tight for a big tall person in the back, so its says, ooo it is tight back here, (words you don't want to hear from male prostitute dressed like a woman). So my passenger begins to unzip and it starts to bend to suck his dick. My eyes got big....OH HELL NO YA'LL CAN'T DO THAT IN MY CAR. So it tells me it will pay me, I don't care about the money it is about the clean up and my mental health. So it gets a little persnickety, and is like "it will only take 5 minutes, if you just drive." Okay now I am in a quandary because:

1. This is still a man and it could whip my ass.
2. If we get into an argument some spittle can get on my face and possibly my lip and I will freak out. I already had to through my Arby's drink out when it got in because it's essence might have seeped in. I am sorry if I am being stank (because I do drive a cab and I can't judge), but it is one thing to think that everyone that gets in your cab is a dick sucking whore, but to have a confirmed dick sucking transvestite riding, it is too much mentally.

So I say "you have to find some place else". So they tell me to drive over to these apartments and while we are riding it is like "you want me daddy" and the passenger was smiling, so I turn up my radio and try and curb my nausea by rolling down the window but there was nothing but stale humid air, there was no escape from this hell.. anyway they have me pull up in these apartments and they get out and ask me will I wait (Of course, I will wait I want my money) I said "yes"I just let them know I was keeping the meter running, so I am thinking this is going to be a good 10 minutes extra....do you they were done in less then five, I guess that strong jaw was working it out, sorry anyway, they get in I drop it back to its stroll it tells the passenger to come back again so I drop him back to the station get my money I am like good, this is too much, I am done, for the night.

Why did this other cab come barreling around the corner and runs all up on the curb, this girl jumps out and closes his door so hard it almost breaks it and says miss can you give me a ride. I tell her okay, where are you going she tells me Suitland Road, I say okay. She tells me that he wanted money up front and she didn't want to give it to him and she was glad I was there. From what I understand some drivers ask for money up front and don't give back the change sometimes. She rattled on for a while and told me how thankful she was blah blah blah, so I got her to her destination, she paid and left. I am like good last stop of the night let me stop at the 7 eleven and get me a soda, to calm my nerves.

When I pulled up I knew something wasn't right with the situation, but I ignored my gut and went in anyway. Everyone had left the store except these two young guys, so as I walk up to the counter, he says I forgot something. I pay for my drink and then leave the store. By the time I get in the car started it and opened the soda, I look up and I all I see is teeth, the boys came running out the store with all this stuff, the chips were falling out of the bag flying everywhere their pants were falling they were bumping into each other, it was rather comical even the cashier who came to the door was laughing as he asked me which way did they run.

I should have went home two hours prior, sick of this shit!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Philadelphia

I was sitting at the station, the train just left and I was the only cab there. Sometimes if I am working the radio I will sit there because it is well lit, anyway this was the weekend and the last train leaves at 3 am. I see a man come down from the top of the train station and say something to the station manager. So he walks over to my cab and gets in, I ask where he is going he says "to Philadelphia", I wanted to giggle because he sounded just like the pedophile from family guy. I said "I am not going to Philadelphia, you need to find another way". He says "The guy in the booth said you would take me". I said, " I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT HE SAYS I AM NOT GOING TO PHILADELPHIA." So he sits there, cause I guess he is not getting out and I am not moving, mind you he smells like urine, (took a while for the smell to seep up and my nose is no good).

So the station manager who is a nice guy and retiring soon comes out he has called the police and says "I just knew he would do this" he apologized and opened my back door and starts to yell at the guy, he is still protesting with that pedophile voice. When he sees the police he finally gets out. The the look of hatred in his eyes towards me was like the chicken on Family Guy, you know the one that Peter always fights. Could this be my nemesis?

The Stalker

I was sitting at the metro station and a guy walks up from the parking lot, not from the train station, he asked me was I working I said "yea", I asked him where he was he was going, he said he didn't know the address he just knew how to get there.

Before we pulled up the cab driver in front of me caught a fare from the train station, so there was a woman in the back of his car and the guy who just got in my car, so the driver jumps out and walks over to the cab and says "do you have change?" I said "no I just came out" he continues on and says" I haven't seen you out here before, how long have you been driving?" REALLY NOW HE CHOOSES TO ASK THIS? I mean you have a customer, I have a customer, and yo ass needs change and you want to strike up a conversation now, I said "about 6 months, but I have to go."

So I ask my passenger which way so he tells me, so we start on our way. I have my windows down and the shield so I can barely here him, so I said you have to speak up. So he is giving me directions and he really doesn't know where he is going, he is like no I am sorry ma'am, back up and go this way, then he makes these outbursts like are you alright, are you okay? I say "yea are you alright are you okay"? So he asks "can I smoke in your car," I respond "yea, I don't care", he said "is that a yes or no", I say "YES you can smoke", so I ride all around this neighborhood looking for his drop off point and finally he says "okay can we go back to the main road?" I say "okay", he said" if I don't find what I am looking for can you take me over to Capital Heights do I need to pay you up front?" I said "I would feel more comfortable if you pay upfront".

So we ride back around Kentland so I ask, "Can I ask what you are looking for?" He said yea," my babymuva and my kids", I am like FUCK (in my mind stalker situation), I said "please don't beat her in front of me", he didn't respond. We pull into the complex, he said "slow down, so I can see if I see her car". He says stop right here, he pays me the full amount plus the tip and gets out the car.

As I drove away I heard him yelling at the building to the top of his lungs! Again this was my first fare of the night. The night ended, with me riding by the McDonald's and this crazy man squatted in front of it, yelling BITCH DON'T TOUCH ME.....SHUT UP WHORE! Of course no one was around.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Ties That Bind

Wasn't too many cabs out last night, so I was a little busy, didn't have to sit at the train as much as I have been lately. When I made my drop off and started to go back to the station, I picked up a couple walking (man and woman), the appeared normal enough.

I asked where they were going and proceeded to take them. The guy gets up close to the window and starts asking me am I married, I say "yes", he is sitting sideways looking at me up close to the glass, but he was doing a lot of moving, like he was digging for something or doing something, but I couldn't figure what. So he says "do you and who husband like freaky sex?" I told him it was none of his business and he needed to sit back.

He scooted back some but continued to ask questions, "what is your favorite position", "how often do you guys have sex" "what times of the day". So I ask, "is this for the census?" He laughed and since I didn't respond, he started telling about their sex life. The entire time the girl hasn't said a word, she is just sitting back there. He told me all their favorite positions what they do with candles even before the start to burn them (that broke me by the way...cause you know he is sticking them in her nasty coochie), he was like we are into all the freaky shit and laughed hard and too long (like the count on sesame street 1....2... hahahaha..remember).

We finally pull up and I tell him the fee he pays it and gets out. She didn't open her door, which was weird your fee has been paid get the fuck out. He opens her door for her and she steps out. I put my car in reverse and prepare to pull off and I look over and her wrists are tied together with these leather straps....and he gives me a look like Brad Pitt in that movie Kalifornia. He lifts her dress and she has no underware on (ughhhh in the back of a cab really?!) and he pulls out one of those small leather whips from her purse and starts to spank her with it.

The night was weird anyway, it ended with a guy who saw me earlier at the liquor store who nicknamed me Pinky because of my lips, screaming up the sidewalk PINKY...PINKAY...PINKAY, as I pulled off into the darkness.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Beat Down



I saw my first live police beat down last night. I was picking up one of my regulars, this particular one has baby momma drama. His girlfriend who is about 7 years older than he he is in his mid 30's she has other children with weird age gaps doesn't work full time and he hates her son. But anyway she got pregnant immediately with his child and now wants to get married, (this being her second marriage, 3rd or 4th child few different baby daddy's). Anyway now after the kid is here blah blah blah she wants to do the right thing (smell setup a mile away) and get married. He has a good job either way she will get good child support.

Anyway I was taking him to work, and telling him the effects marriage has on your health, as I crossed over the light this police car came flying down my side of the road the wrong way and there was another car on the correct side of the road, going toward the scene. They cut off the road immediately (but still enough for me to move past). Of course I slowed down to see what the hell is going on, (since they were being so dramatic), and there is already one fat police man on top of the perpetrator dry-humping him and smashing his face in the ground, he wasn't moving not sure if he was already unconscious, got there too late for all of that. The two officers that just pulled around jumped out and start kicking and beating him and two others show up and just hold the flashlights on them. They all had the police car lights (the light of the side of the car) focused on the situation forming a giant spotlight like it was a show.

They were beating the shit out of him, but now that I think back with the dry-humper and the spotlights, I think this was a possible gang rape about to occur. Anyway I had to keep moving didn't see if any penetration occurred or not.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My Backseat

Okay, I have been driving this cab for a while now and after all the things I have seen and heard, I have to say that taxi cab confessions is real. I mean I really thought the show was fake, it is not.

I pick up a this guy and we go pick up which I guess he is girlfriend for a date, I drop them to the movie theater. My last call for the night ends up being these two. Now the guy from the start wasn't the most articulate fellow, when I asked where I was going when I first picked him up he didn't know, he gave me the wrong street (he remembered once we got close). Anyway this particular night my husband was riding with me and it was late so his ADD was starting to kick up, so he started touching shit in the car. When I am driving I live to have my full attention on what is going on around me.

So I hear soft whispers in the back seat and I see the guy lean over and they start kissing uggghh (personally I hate public displays of affection--especially this close). So they are all over each other, so I pull up to his home and yell "we are here" he gets out and they don't say goodbye. I drop her to her destination and she pays and gets out.

My husband says to me, "she had a smell.... like pussy did you smell it?" I say no you know my nose is no good (he has a nose like a damn Anteater)he wasn't paying the couple any attention cause he was fidgeting with the radio, I said "they were all over each other, you didn't see" he said no "I was messing with the radio." We paused and looked at other and he saw the disgust on the my face, I asked "could it be?"

The kissing.....the smell......my backseat?! (were his hands down there)?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Party

Okay I have to say I brought this one on myself for being nosey, so I can blame no one. I picked up a group of women that were coming from a bachelorette party and they were talking and getting all excited in retrospect, I guess that they were making comparisons. They were all focused on the cellphone and then talkin about the stripper, so when I asked what was so interesting (again I say it is my fault). She reaches through the glass and shows me her phone.

It was a picture of her boyfriend standing their smiling with is erect penis (yes he posed proudly for the picture). Anyway they were making the comparisons to her boyfriend the stripper. Now this is sad, but I have friends that have emailed their vagina's to each other to see who had the prettiest, so the picture isn't what disturbed me. It was how he posed for the picture butt naked with that smile (I really wish I had a copy to post).

These things can not be normal. If I wasn't so ashamed of my life experiences I would have a camera just follow me around and document it, so others could endure it with me.

The Snitch and the CockRoach

Okay, I don't know how we got on this conversation, but the snitch added a window unit (small air conditioner) to his apartment. He comes out of the kitchen and there on the wall is a huge cockroach. So I joked that he probably needed five dollars to get some lunch, so he went with that for a bit; but then he started to tell me how he tried to kill the roach.

Now I hate killing certain bugs, roaches being one because you have to feel the crunch and you go through a range of physical emotions afterwards. The snitch didn't say why he made this choice, but for me it seemed worse. To rid his home of the vile beast he chose to to fill up a cup with bleach and throw it on the roach.

Bleach is funky and in a small spaces it is loud, I don't understand. When he wakes up the next day the roach had made his way to the kitchen sink; instead of washing it down the sink since it was already weak and dying, he fills up another cup and throws it on the roach.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Snitch

I told you before how the drivers are getting more comfortable with me, so they are starting to talk to me more often. This one is a black man who grew up in DC and he has the young man syndrome, and he knows everything, he really isn't listening to your questions or your answers, he just likes to talk. He has a long line of cabbies in his family and this is what he has been doing forever. We will call him "Young Man" for this entry.

So this night he started to tell me about our old dispatch that recently got fired. For this entry I will call her Cindy. The first day I started Cindy didn't hesitate to ask for $8.00 dollars (come on 8 dollars.. screams junky) and to drive her to get her blood pressure pill (if there was a camera I would have looked directly into it, with a "come on" look). She got me a few times, but I put an end to that, if I drive you, you need to pay me. She made sure she took care of you by like sending you calls directly to your cellphone (which you are not suppose to do), but she was no good at it. She thought she was hooking you up by sending you someone who was going to the damn airport; the thing about that is you miss about 10 calls which can save you more gas cause they are close and make you more money than that one call.

Any way he was telling me that she wasn't just a junky, she was pimpin who'in, doing and selling drugs, right out of the office, this is before they got cameras in the office. He said that is the main reason why they got them to catch her, they new something was up, but not sure what it was. Young Man said he went up there one time for something and she had someone hiding under the desk. I said "under the desk for what were they eating her pussy", he "paused and frowned and said no one wants any Cindy pussy", I laughed really hard. He said the thing about it was Cindy would try and get you caught up into her mess, she was doing all these side deals where she was trying to get the drivers to run drugs for the dealers, when one of them got murdered cause he didnt' want to do it anymore, that is when he got mad.

He said he got so mad he started snitchin (I giggled, cause you had to hear the inflection). He started telling on all the shit she was doing. Now I am learning this whole industry is just shady and seedy, but I have to admit, some of this shit is funny, so his telling of course nothing was going to happen. He confronted Cindy when one of his passengers asked him to run a package up to Cindy, he was saying "it is one thing when she does her shit but she tries to get others involved, I just want my nice clean money" (yea cabbing is clean, feel all dirty and beat up at the end of the night), so he tells the guy to take it himself and he cusses Cindy out.

He says the next day I was followed from Landover all the way to College Park metro where this guy jumped out started threatening him, needless to say he made up with Cindy." We both laughed at that. Cindy was able to do all the stuff she was doing even with the cameras in the office. She just got fired recently maybe 2 months ago. All the stuff she was doing she got caught on camera giving out a call on her cellphone, instead of putting it out over the air.

She has to be mad... all the things she was doing and she was brought down for that one mistake, that's like Al Capone going down for tax evasion.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Stripper

I ride woman all the time that complain about the other cab drivers staring at them and trying to pick them up, they hate it, so they like it when they ride with a woman, just pay me I don't want to look or talk to you (damn I sound like a professional whore), but I digress, this had to be a weekend because it was day time a girl came to the cab and wanted to a ride from Landover Station to Union Station, now I don't judge my passengers cause I really don't care, but I assumed she was a dancer because she had the little pull bag, she was willing to pay at least $30-$40 to ride a the cab to the station instead of getting on the train and paying $3.00.

I tell her the train would be cheaper and she said money is not an issue she has a show to do and she was running late and later during the ride she confirmed verbally that she was a stripper. So I say "okay get in", while we are on the way she starts to change her clothes and tells me she is glad I am a women cause the men like to stare while she changes her clothes. This is a pretty clean trip standard almost, until she puts her ass on the glass shield between the front seat and the back, I would have been annoyed with this anyway because I can't see out the back and I don't want to see your ass, but I was pissed this time because the glass was open and my head was there and she had not damn draws on, when I saw that from my peripheral, I almost crashed the damn car trying to cover my face and roll down the windows, I can't....!

I got her to her destination quick, she tipped me well for my discomfort.

The Tap Dancer

Why did I pull into the station and a person, was tap dancing on top of the bench? It was like he waited for me, I mean this couldn't have happened one minute before I showed up. I drive up he jumps up there and and breaks into dance, for about 30 secs and gets down and sits there until his ride shows up.

WHY?

The Invitation

Okay, I must have blocked this guy out, I didn't remember him until the pick-up request came out over the radio last night. Most of the cab drivers won't go over in Seat Pleasant, but I grew up there so I do pick up over in that area, it is not that bad. Anyway I picked this guy up several times from the dirty Jerry's (a carryout), he is an old young man, one of those men who are too old to be dressing like these young folks today, still trying to hold on, (like LL Cool J, but he does still have it).

Anyway he was always nice talked BS, but would always ask for my number even though I was married he wanted to be friends (uh huh), makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to hear this every time I give him a ride. When I pick him up he usually has some drink in him so I think he has a little buzz, so this particular night, I drop him off and he tells me that he really likes me and wants me to call him, so he pays and gets out the car. So he asks me to hold up a minute, and walks around the car and leans in and says, "I won't hurt you", so I ask he to back the fuck then, I don't like anyone to get too close of course. So he says I need you to come up to my apartment for just a minute, I say "no" so he gets a little louder and says "it will be just a minute", I hear the crazy coming out, but the way the apartment complex is setup, there is only one way in and one way out and this car is sitting their blocking my exit getting their kids and stuff out of the car.

So now he is talking and I am tuning him out because I have to find my mace and see if I have to run these people and their kids over to get out of this complex. So he says "Do you hear me?" he can see I am not paying attention to him, so he starts jumping up and down and screaming "I NEED YOU TO COME UP TO THE APARTMENT FOR A MINUTE JUST A MINUTE", I am like oh man this is about to get ugly, because I am about to hit this car in front of me, but it backs out quickly and I hit the gas and get the hell out of there. He is still jumping up and down yelling when I looked in my rear view mirror (mind you this man is about 55-60).

I wonder how many cab drivers Dahmer has up there?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Proposition

One of my favorite passengers, for this entry I will call him John, he is such a good passenger, I know when I pick him up I am going to make between $30-$100 bucks for the night, (he always tips like $20.00). He is this Hispanic guy and he doesn't speak great English, but he teaches me Spanish here and there and vice versa. He is around 22, single and goes out at first every weekend, now probably every other weekend.

He normally just lays in the back seat and tells me how much he loves me, by screaming my name and telling me that he loves me!, One time he put his friend on the phone and he told me he was going to kill me WTF, anyway I digress, this particular night, I picked him up from a club as usual (normally drop off and pick up).

On the way back to his apartment, he tells me that he wants to be with me tonight, so of course I think that he means something like he is glad I picked him up, but he goes on to clarify that he has money and he would pay to be with me. So I respond "what, John I just picked you up from the club, you could have gotten any woman at the club to come home with you, especially if you paid her, why didn't you?" he responded "I want to be with you tonight, I will pay you, I would like 2 hours with you. At first he offers $200.00, so of course I tell him he is drunk and needs to go in and sleep it off, then we pull up and he offers more.

The following are reasons are of course is why I was disgusted.

1. For this body (really...what)
2. What the in the hell do you want to do for 2 hours, hell when I was a young woman I would have that question.
3. For this body really (some things need to be questioned more than once).

So I park and tell him the amount he owes me, so starts pulling out money. "I will pay you" he says singing a little tune, like he trying to entice me, so he puts $200.00 on the window seal, so" I tell him to go head and sleep it off" (meaning the alcohol), and asks him to give me the money for the trip; he lays out another $100.00, I say John, please just get out. He lays out another $100.00, (which now means we are up to $400.00). I tell him I have to get going, he lays out another $100.00, okay at that point I paused mid-speech it was $500.00 laid in front of me. For the record, the pause was only 10 seconds, but I hesitated, DAMMIT (look I had bills to pay that Monday). Anyway, he finally got out of the car and told me he would call me next weekend (so I didn't take the money).

He called five minutes after I left and said.. I need to be with you tonight, I told him to sober up and call me when he needs a ride.

Someone save me..... this can not be my life!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Nosey Passenger


I got dispatched to make a pick-up at the Laundromat. So I pull up and a Hispanic guy is standing in the doorway, he opens the door and stares at me. I ask "did you call a cab?", so he walks over and said yea a while ago, then he bends down and asks (in broken English) "was that your father or your husband?" I ask "who the dispatch?" (I am confused, cause that was a strange question) he responds " ah yea, I guess". I said "do you need a ride or not?" He tells me to hold on, and goes in to get his stuff. When he goes in I radio the dispatch and say "the customer wants to know whether you are my husband or father. He responds, "tell him both we keep it in the family, so I laugh."

The guy and his wife/girlfriend come out with their clothes and get in the cab. So as soon as he gets in he asks again, (By the way his breath was funky as hell), "was that your husband or father", I said "yes" she had a puzzled look. I then said "where are you going", he gave me directions to the location so I start to drive. He asks again in a different way, I guess he thought I didn't understand because his English wasn't great. He says "Your husband?" I said "yes" he said "your father" I said "yes", he looked puzzled again, she he said "your father OR your husband?" I said "both, we keep it in the family", his mouth fell open and he looked straight ahead for a second and then sat back and said OHHH HEY ZEUS (Oh Jesus)!

I guess I broke, him but he deserved that, he couldn't let it go. Don't worry, Karma gives me no breaks my next passenger broke me, just walkin to the car....but I had my moment.

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Jon



So I was waiting at the station and a young woman, with a wig came over to the car, I believe she was African (because of her accent), she said "OH a woman driving a taxi, I have never seen that before (everyone who gets in says that)." So I ask her where she is going and she says "to the Giant, "(which is a grocery store) but I am waiting for my friend." so I assume it is her girlfriend who was on another train because I didn't see anyone else out there, so I put my car back in park to wait for the next train, I was wrong I didn't look hard enough; coming from the phone booth which appeared to be coming my way was a little Hispanic man. I said "Is this your friend" slightly puzzled, she responded "yes". He was much older than she was, but okay. He gets in the car and mumbled something, so I pull off.

I have passengers who do not speak english they either have where they are going written down or they say the little bit of english so they can to direct me, so he says "yI yant" which means he didn't speak much english, (cause that what my passengers who speak spanish and not much english get in and say when they want to go to or behind the Giant). So the girl says "did you notice she is a woman driving", so he had to understand that, so he said in the Ricky Ricardo voice but with broken english to the top of his lungs "YES A WOMAN I LIKE THAT..." (he goes on), "DO YOU SPEAK SPANISH" I didn't verbally respond, I shook my head no. "HE SAID OF COURSE YOU DO LOOK AT YOU YOU MUST SPEAK SPANISH OOOHH LALA, I LOVE IT WHEN A WOMAN DRIVES ME, I WANT HER TO DRIVE ME... DRIVE ME I LOVE IT.... He would not shut up so I don't know what came over me, so I busted in to the top of my lungs "YOU LOVE WHEN A WOMAN TAKES CONTROL HUH, YOU LIKE TO RIDE." (I know you all hate me, but trust me I hate myself at this point). So he starts to laugh, cause he is stunned, we pull to the mall where the Giant is and he says, no no CVS (which is the pharmacy).

Okay so from the beginning when the girl got in the car I thought she was tricking, but now that they are going to the pharmacy probably for condoms it confirmed it, this was my first pick up of the night, it also was my best tip for the night... I need to make some life changes.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Other Cab Drivers


When I first started driving the other drivers (the ones at the station) seemed not to like me, I am not sure why but those who know me have to love me hehe (they are disgusted right now if they are reading this). They are now started talking to me a little too much.

It was kind of slow for a Friday, I was low on change and didn't feel like stopping at the store, so just decided to ask one of the other drivers for some change. So I asked him "do yo have change for a 10.00", he said "let me see the money", I said "let me see the change", so he laughed and said "I haven't seen you out here before", I said "I haven't seen you either", so the train pulled in he gave me the change and we parted ways.

I dropped and pulled back around to the station and he was in front of me waiting too, so he jumps out and comes back to my car and starts to talk, he was all over the place at first asking me questions and telling me about his life and such, so I ask him how is he doing these days since the cab business is a little slow. He says "it is not slow for me I work in DC and he always makes at least $200.00 a day." then he adds "and if it does get slow, I know plenty of girls" so I asked "what does that mean, you just hang out with them or" he stops me abruptly and says "no, I mean whores, I give my car for $75.00, I said "what" "How long do they have the cab for that price?" He said "they only want it for 5-7 minutes, get in and get out, cheaper than a hotel and quicker". So of course I ask "well where do you go", he said I don't go anywhere I stay in the the front seat (nasty mofo), the police will be watching me not what goes on in the back of the cab," then he presses his face to the back of my cab and says it is really clean back there (I can't... even though we didn't touch I had to use my hand sanitizer man...damn felt all dirty).

He started asking me did I have any single friends or a sister, I said no, I have a brother though, so we laughed a bit, and said he doesn't understand the whole gay situation, I told him if I was man I would be gay because I can't take women they are too dramatic,so he tells me that he use to own a business here but he sold it and left the country for a little while and then came back.

But some of the girls that use to work for him at the club were bisexual, and he was curious about the gay thing, so he paid them to have sex in front of him. I told him "you could have rented porn if you were curious, but you wanted the first hand experience," so of course I asked "so what did they do" (yes if you gonna tell it tell it all) he said well I don't know what you call it, but one was at the bottom and the other was at the top" I said "we call that 69", he was like I didn't even get aroused or anything. (I didn't bother to tell him he got jipped, if you even have ever seen soft porn you get more than that).

so he says "I paid them later to have a menage trois, but I could only be with one of the women, I couldn't even get to the other one (he was so serious and confused), so I asked "what happened?" He "I was worried that they would beat and rob me" LOLOLOL. You know I told this whole story for that last line!!

Oh by the way they didn't beat or rob him, of course I asked did he try it again he said "no" (punk ass).

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Dallas Cowboy Fan

Most of DC football fans are for the Redskins as sorry as they have been most here still support them. When the Cowboys come to town there is always tension in the air. In PG County there is a new stadium which as a cab driver I had the privilege to experience last season some good ass money from the stadium. This years Redskins Cowboy game ending early for many as the fights broke out and the skins were loosing (as usual) so I was picking up earlier than I thought.

I picked up a group of young men that had been drinking, it was four of them because one of them had to get in the front seat. He was telling me that he came up here from New York I believe with this girl he had met at home, but he got a little buzzed and got into an argument with a Redskins fan in the stadium so she left him there. I said "you brought her all the way from New York and she left you?" He said "yea, I am not going to call her anymore". Because that was such a stupid response, it peeked my curiosity (in other words he needed my advice, LOL), I asked him how old he was he told me 23, so I said "were you planning on marrying this girl?" he said "no" I said of course you weren't you are 23, you brought her here for sex." He responded "yes, she even asked could I get a room for her friends and I did."

I told him she knew why you were bringing her and getting the room for you guys and her friends was for sex and she is trying to use you. She is a fucked up individual and you don't need to call her back........but only after you are going to get your dick sucked or something first, then cut that bitch out of your life, she is fucked up.

Because he was so young I and the things he was saying, I could tell no one ever told him that dating, marriage is all prostitution it is just an indirect form, you paying for it one way or the other. Even in marriage (for some woman), If they don't get what they want the withhold sex or even if they get mad (whores) I digress, I told him that go back to the room, pee some of the liquor out of his system and call that whore on the phone, tell her all the shit she wants to hear, have sex with her and never call her again, AT THE VERY LEAST get your dick sucked, he giggled, but I was not playin, he already paid for it, get what you paid for (the full service if possible) and move on with your life.,You don't need bitches like that around you.

He thanked me and left me a $20.00 tip....It is cheaper than therapy.

The Sexless Lover

Many of the cab drivers in the county will not go into DC at night, I understand, but I need all of my money so I do. The train leaves the station around midnight Sun-Thurs, after the point if you don't have a ride you have to take a cab or walk. Well this night the guy got off work after 12 and missed his train to DC, so of course all the other drivers rejected him I took him.

Because I am a woman driver many of the men tell me their issues look for opinions from another woman, and of course I had one. This particular passenger swore up and down he was a lover not a fighter and I had nothing to fear from him, he was so much of a lover that his girl would be paying for his fair on the other end, so take my time, it was not his dime. He was around 27 (which I thought was too young) and engaged to a girl he had only known for a year, but he started to tell me about his fiancee and about how she didn't like to have a lot of sex she wouldn't suck his dick and do other freaky things, so I asked him why was he marrying her he seemed to already be unhappy and unsatisfied in his relationship with her.

He said he loved her and she loved him. I don't understand I told him, they were very early in the relationship and she doesn't do the things that he liked, (I couldn't tell him straight up she was probably cheating), she may not be in love with him. He still was puzzled, I said I will just say this, when someone is in love with you they can't deny you, they do things that they know make you happy and please you. When you are that early in the relationship, you miss the person from the time they leave until the time they come home and you can't wait to have sex with especially if you are engaged you can do all the freaky shit you want. So the question you need to be asking is why won't she? I just said be leary she may be cheating, she is a young woman the sex drive is far from dead, (should I told him that he had a small dick or was bad in the bed?)

So we pull up and after all the whining he did for this women you would think she was gonna be a bad bitch, I turned my head to look and I swear she looked like a glazed shitball... I was further perplexed. The guy was a handsome young man, I have always been told that ugly woman do all kinds of freaky shit to keep their men that other woman don't have to do, to keep a man, but this woman didn't.. I could understand his whining if she put it on him, but she won't so WTF??! Could it be money? but I was dropping him in the hood, I mean the deep hood, what did I miss here people?

The Drug Mule

The night was dark and cold...no just kidding..but it was. It was late on a weeknight and I was tired as hell and for some reason I was riding with my headlights off. A guy flagged me down and I thought he wanted to be picked up, he was just telling me my headlights were off and then asks how much would it be to go up to the apartments over by the Old Landover Mall. I give him the price and he and his friends get in the car.

While we are riding, he asks is this car wired, I asked like on Taxicab confessions? He says "no, some of the cabs have a GPS systems on them so the dispatch can see where you are at all times." So I say "Do I have to mace your ass and call the police" he laughs and says "na na it is not like that." So he goes on to see if I would like to make $500 extra dollars a week if I would make about 12 stops for him once a week.

I am no idiot I have been around many dealers in my time, so before I answered, (which took me at least 60 secs...again don't judge me), I told him no because the money now would be good, but fuck that, I drive a cab and my life was complicated enough.

Once I ran down the whole headache of the drug game which they couldn't believe I had any clue about and asked them how they were still dealing they were speechless. His man giggled and got out of the car, I think they felt stupid, I got a good tip! hehe.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Stupendous Camel Toe

There is a trend now amongst the young males who are wearing skinny jeans. I am in my early 30's, I don't understand it, but as long as my son doesn't do it, who cares, they them set their asses out all they want (rant done). Well because of this trend, I was able to view the most glorious Camel Toe I have ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes upon.

I was sitting at the metro station, and I saw him come out, with those tight ass jeans, I cringed a little because even though I am a girl I can still tell that his balls had to be screaming, his jeans were so damn tight. So I turned away(looking off into the distance) because it was slow at the station, so I look over and I guess he was waiting for his ride, cause he sat down on one of the tree thingies at the station, his camel toe immediately caught my eye and I could not look away.

The jeans were so tight it split the genital area to look like a huge camel toe, I....WAS....ASTOUNDED. Then he had the nerve to have some bags that were on the ground he perched his feet on the bags with some how made it blossom further, which I did not think was possible, I THINK IT EVEN WINKED AT ME!! I was in awe of this thing. I think he knew it was fabulous because he was drawing too much attention to it.

Sorry I didn't get a picture, but I just could not look away and my camera phone would not have done this thing justice, I had to shout this thing out though, no woman could match this and any woman who saw would have been jealous. Maybe it was fake.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Crackhead Ménage à trois request

So things were slow one night and I was the only cab out. Right before I decided to go in the dispatch asked me could I pick up this last call before I went in. So I went and got the lady, when I pulled up she was like tip toeing to the car, told me to pull up some and turn my lights off. She was an older kind of disheveled black lady around the age of 56. So when she got in, "I was like is everything okay" and she was like yes, she was sneaking out and she didn't want her boyfriend to hear. She had a bill to pay and needed some extra money, so she was going to the guy she usually tricks with. She said well I don't have any money and he should be paying for the cab, I said okay fine.

While we are riding she tells me how she has all these aches and pains but refuses to go to the hospital because she is scared if she goes in she will never come out also how she tricks on the regular to pay her bills and this is one of her favorites boo's, she has been with her boyfriend for years and he isn't much help.

So she doesn't know exactly how to get there and doesn't have a cellphone. Now anyone that knows me knows I have germ issues, so I don't let people use my phone, (especially to dick sucking whores..... but I digress). I called the guy to get the directions so we finally find the place, he comes out to pay me, in his robe no less with wine glasses (okay hef..),whatever just give me my money.

So he leans in and asked me do I want to come in and join the festivities he would pay handsomely if I attended (first using the word handsomely pissed me off). Second what?!!... I have been driving the cab for a few months now and and this is not the first time that I have been invited to attend a ménage but you don't think I could do better than this couple, that was the offensive part. The wine glasses and were too much because he had no less than a Schlitz malt liquor bitch (or Ripple if you watched Sandford and Son) in the back and he was old and busted and you think I was gonna say yes to you too guys... What?!!

Please someone tell me why, why would I want to join two crackheads, huh, huh! It broke me for the night.



KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll



I was dropping off someone in an apartment complex in Bladensburg and this older guy flags me down, he was walking all sad and sorry like someone shoved something in his ass. He walked up and was like, "she left me".. I said "what??" He said "she left me.." I said "who left you and why are you telling me this." He said "I need a ride and no other cabs will come out because I am not going too far." I said well "do you have any money?"! He said yea I have cash and he gave me $15.00 dollars.

While on the way to take him home he starts to tell his story. "I met this woman, she picked me up for the date and afterwards we she invites me back to hang out." First this man is in his 60's talkin about hanging out, but I digress. "So when we get back to the house I ask her for sex." "I say how long have you dated?" He said "well we just met." So I ask him how is it that he is walkin home at 2:00am." He said "she threw me out cause I asked her for sex." so he talked some more about, he just felt as he is too old to play games and needed to get right to the point. I took him to the 7'11 before I took him home and he purchased Little Debbies Swiss Cake rolls with the creme in the center, I didn't understand at the time why he was telling me what he bought (This is important keep reading) so proceeds to get out of the cab and says holding his bag with a smile, "I don't need her for sex I am going to go in and take of my damn self, this is what I should have done from the start.... sorry babygirl just keepin it real."

<--(how I felt at the end of the night)