Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Stupendous Camel Toe

There is a trend now amongst the young males who are wearing skinny jeans. I am in my early 30's, I don't understand it, but as long as my son doesn't do it, who cares, they them set their asses out all they want (rant done). Well because of this trend, I was able to view the most glorious Camel Toe I have ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes upon.

I was sitting at the metro station, and I saw him come out, with those tight ass jeans, I cringed a little because even though I am a girl I can still tell that his balls had to be screaming, his jeans were so damn tight. So I turned away(looking off into the distance) because it was slow at the station, so I look over and I guess he was waiting for his ride, cause he sat down on one of the tree thingies at the station, his camel toe immediately caught my eye and I could not look away.

The jeans were so tight it split the genital area to look like a huge camel toe, I....WAS....ASTOUNDED. Then he had the nerve to have some bags that were on the ground he perched his feet on the bags with some how made it blossom further, which I did not think was possible, I THINK IT EVEN WINKED AT ME!! I was in awe of this thing. I think he knew it was fabulous because he was drawing too much attention to it.

Sorry I didn't get a picture, but I just could not look away and my camera phone would not have done this thing justice, I had to shout this thing out though, no woman could match this and any woman who saw would have been jealous. Maybe it was fake.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Crackhead Ménage à trois request

So things were slow one night and I was the only cab out. Right before I decided to go in the dispatch asked me could I pick up this last call before I went in. So I went and got the lady, when I pulled up she was like tip toeing to the car, told me to pull up some and turn my lights off. She was an older kind of disheveled black lady around the age of 56. So when she got in, "I was like is everything okay" and she was like yes, she was sneaking out and she didn't want her boyfriend to hear. She had a bill to pay and needed some extra money, so she was going to the guy she usually tricks with. She said well I don't have any money and he should be paying for the cab, I said okay fine.

While we are riding she tells me how she has all these aches and pains but refuses to go to the hospital because she is scared if she goes in she will never come out also how she tricks on the regular to pay her bills and this is one of her favorites boo's, she has been with her boyfriend for years and he isn't much help.

So she doesn't know exactly how to get there and doesn't have a cellphone. Now anyone that knows me knows I have germ issues, so I don't let people use my phone, (especially to dick sucking whores..... but I digress). I called the guy to get the directions so we finally find the place, he comes out to pay me, in his robe no less with wine glasses (okay hef..),whatever just give me my money.

So he leans in and asked me do I want to come in and join the festivities he would pay handsomely if I attended (first using the word handsomely pissed me off). Second what?!!... I have been driving the cab for a few months now and and this is not the first time that I have been invited to attend a ménage but you don't think I could do better than this couple, that was the offensive part. The wine glasses and were too much because he had no less than a Schlitz malt liquor bitch (or Ripple if you watched Sandford and Son) in the back and he was old and busted and you think I was gonna say yes to you too guys... What?!!

Please someone tell me why, why would I want to join two crackheads, huh, huh! It broke me for the night.


Monday, April 12, 2010

The Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll

I was dropping off someone in an apartment complex in Bladensburg and this older guy flags me down, he was walking all sad and sorry like someone shoved something in his ass. He walked up and was like, "she left me".. I said "what??" He said "she left me.." I said "who left you and why are you telling me this." He said "I need a ride and no other cabs will come out because I am not going too far." I said well "do you have any money?"! He said yea I have cash and he gave me $15.00 dollars.

While on the way to take him home he starts to tell his story. "I met this woman, she picked me up for the date and afterwards we she invites me back to hang out." First this man is in his 60's talkin about hanging out, but I digress. "So when we get back to the house I ask her for sex." "I say how long have you dated?" He said "well we just met." So I ask him how is it that he is walkin home at 2:00am." He said "she threw me out cause I asked her for sex." so he talked some more about, he just felt as he is too old to play games and needed to get right to the point. I took him to the 7'11 before I took him home and he purchased Little Debbies Swiss Cake rolls with the creme in the center, I didn't understand at the time why he was telling me what he bought (This is important keep reading) so proceeds to get out of the cab and says holding his bag with a smile, "I don't need her for sex I am going to go in and take of my damn self, this is what I should have done from the start.... sorry babygirl just keepin it real."

<--(how I felt at the end of the night)

Was that Dolemite?

Okay I have to shout this individual out. I was waiting at the station late one night, no other cabs were out, slow night, I saw a strange figure coming toward the cab, "I was like who is this" and had to giggle out loud because he had the baddest pimp I had ever seen in real life, his hair was lightly feathered, He had his cigarette down by his leg and was pimpin hard, he had on this mid length leather jacket (dark orange). I swear he looked just like Dolemite. He opened the door and he said, "I am deaf and I need to go to the liquor store, and I got you girl, I got you" (with the voice). So I said okay and giggled, he directed me as clear as he could to all of his errands to every stop he needed to make and he paid me and gave me a $10.00 tip (surprise surprise, it was a decent ride -tried to rhyme, don't hate). Nothing crazy happened, but this guy had to write about this guy.

So I have to quote my man Dolemite for that brotha:

: "I'm gonna let 'em know that Dolemite is back on the scene! I'm gonna let 'em know that Dolemite is my name, and fuckin' up motha fuckas is my game! "

I will let them know my fly deaf brotha! LOLOL

Friday, April 9, 2010

It's Official

So it is the end of the night and I decide make one more pick up before I go in. First I got lost and couldn't find the place (that was the sign), another cab driver guided me to the location. The guys starts out immediately when coming to get in the car "What you don't pick up black man.." So of course respond I am about to leave your black ass if you don't calm the fuck down. So he realizes I am a black woman and pipes down. So he hands me $35.00 dollars and asked to go all the way to the Ebony Inn to get alcohol, now we are in Lanham, you know how many liquor stores we pass before we get the Ebony Inn (just say you want to go to the strip club, I don't care). Anyway he can't figure out which way he wants me to go.

So he decides to take me through DC but of course Eastern Avenue is doing some construction so we have this long round about way through the reroute. So he is talkin weird like speaking in Cliches, "telling that time is the only valuable commodity", "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!" there is not clear conversation, just rambling and laughing at himself; and outbursting saying stuff like "Just keeping you on your toes" So we get to the strip club the other guys tell him there is nothing in there tonight worth going in for so he finds a friend and we add another to the ride. I drop the friend off and he asks me to wait he will be back in five minutes. So I wait, he comes back and says okay lets go back.

So I take him back to his house and notices that I have a hat on so he asks "Do you have hair under that hat?" I respond "yes". He asked could he see it. I say hell no and he says I will give you a tip if let me see it. So I take the hat off (don't judge me!) and shake my hair out a bit (like I am sexy LOL ;)) . So he says yea....yea in a soft low voice and gives me an extra 15 dollars, the ride was only $25.00 dollars. I made $50.00 So it is official I am whoring myself LOL, by the end of the night I understood the whole scene in the picture below, see the hatred in his eyes, that is me without the cocaine!

Where's the line

The Big snow storm 2010.... we are all stuck in the house for a while getting cabin fever a bit; I even thought to myself looking around at my family... Only one can survive. I digress..I finally got to go out in my cab. The first night after the storm, it was busy for a while, but many of the other cabs haven't been out for a while so I guess they were trying to recoup their money in other words there was a lot of competition.

I picked up this young guy to take him back to his girlfriend. He asked for my number so I could pick him back up, but his girlfriend showed and he just said he would call the cab company and ask for me directly, I said fine, thinking he was just talkin, well he did call back and I picked him up. while we were riding he told me he was having a bit of cabin fever. Once we got back to his house he asked me if I was on my way to somewhere else, I told him not at this moment. He asked could I sit and talk to him and he would pay me, but he only had 30 dollars. So I said okay and set the meter. He told me all about his life, girlfriend blah blah blah same old same old. Once the meter hit 30.00 I told him I had to depart, he was disappointed but what is a girl to do.

So I guess this is the beginning of whoring myself. I was told by a good friend that most prostitutes get men that pay them only to talk... Now how the hell does he know that (pervert)!