The Nut Job

So it is Saturday night and I don't really feel like going out, but I have a 10:00 pick-up, so I just hang around the house until it gets close to time. So around 9:20, I leave out to go and gas up to pick up my customer. I get to the gas station and what appears to be a homeless man coming around the corner. He screams he has $50.00 and I should take him with me. He laughs and walks over to the pump. He says "my name is Joe, now you know me and you can take me with you". I said " I don't know you," He said "I said my name is Joe Miller, so you do know me". I said "I know your name, but I don't know you". He says "I am famous in DC and VA" I say " for what". He stopped and stared at and I repeated what I said " What are you famous for, you could be a rapist".

He said "that is how woman like it, they want to be raped," his voice starts to escalate and I am still pumping gas "THAT'S HOW THEY WANT IT, THEY WANT TO BE RAPED BY JOE MILLER." I hang the pump up and put the gas cap on. I open the car door and get in and before I close the door he throws his head in the door and screams "I CAN SEE YOUR TITTIES", and softly says "Can I touch them". I get immediately agitated because my night with the crazies hasn't even begun, I am just gassin up. So my voice escalates " You better get the fuck away from my car," He paused and looked very surprised, I wonder what he was thinkin? It took him like 5 secs but he eased back and I closed my door. He was standing outside saying something, I just pulled off.

I mean the night hadn't even started yet DAMN! The night ended with one of my passengers clutchin his chest with heart burn, throwing up outside my car and thanking me for picking him up.

The Prostitute

So of course it is Friday, and I am filling my tank to get ready for the night. So a young girl walks up and asks me if I am working, I tell her "yes, where do you need to go", so about 3 guys walk over and they want to only go around the corner, to the strip club, so I say okay, we get there and they can barely pay their cab fare. So the guy comes over and says to the girl that got them the ride, you know you can't come in so, just go home and I will come and see you later.


So she gets a little upset and he looks at me and says, “I don't have the money right now to give you to take her back, but give her your number and I will call you later and pay you.” I pause for a second, cause I don't have time for these games, but I still didn't want to leave her sitting outside the club. So I just said okay and took her back, it was only two blocks up.

So I said why couldn't you get in. She says well there was an incident. So I didn't inquire further, so I said why would they bring you here and then not take you in, she said well he is a pimp so he has to come here to regulate the girls. I said how is he a pimp with no money. Then I was like who in the hell needs a pimp in 2011. I mean with the Internet/cellphones isn't that like the death of the pimp?! you can set your own appointments rates, advertise, set security and privacy accordingly.

As I rambled on, I heard nothing but crickets, so I look over for some feedback andI saw the look of sadness in her eye, I didn't realize she was a prostitute, I just didn't realize before. I should have reiterated we all are grabbing our ankles (whoring ourselves) when we go to work each day, we are no different than she...it is called life.

I gave her my number like she asked and I dropped her at the McDonald's so she could eat and left.

Girl Power

So I haven't been picking up off the radio lately cause too much is happening behind the mic between the cabbies and dispatch and I am tired of hearing the arguments. So this particular night, it is slow at the station so I decide to work the radio.

I pull up in front of the house and have dispatch call her out, she comes out and her shoes are on the porch so she puts them on, then I see her start to do this little dance while coming to the car and it was her and two other guys that followed, she got in the car was so excited that I was a female cab driver. She made up a little jingle for me because I was a female cab driver (it had lyrics a tune, it was too much), I mean she was really excited, once I dropped them, she was like "GIRL POWER alright" (like Adam when he drew his sword to turn into He-Man) , "we can do it all!" I am a tad broken after this trip so I go on back to the station.

My next fare is two women they were also very excited about me driving and they have never seen a woman driving a cab before. Let me just clear something up ladies, this is not good, It is like being excited that the prison population went from being mostly men to 50% women. I make less than I would be if I were whoring myself, which pisses me off, one of my passengers was a prostitute (will post about her later), but she just made $200.00 in less than 30 minutes to piss on someone. I would have high-fived her if I wasn't scared to touch her. My point is this is not a step up, we don't want to be here.

I could have been an heiress if it weren't for my broke ass parents!

Pheromones

I think someone must have sprayed experimental pheromones on me Saturday night, because it was just too much. The first guy I picked up, was nice and we chatted back and forth and I flirted a little bit, was feelin good, wasn't broken yet. We get to his house and his trip is $8.00, he gave me $28.00. So I look at the money and say "you gave me $28.00 instead of $8.00" and he says "I know, I wanted to know if you would masturbate for me". I know I should be offended about this request, but I am more offended about the amount he offered. I mean a crackhead would request more! I gave him his $20.00 back and told him to have a nice day.

Later on in the evening, I stopped to get gas and there was no one there a bit erie of course when I pull up another car does as well. The attendant was doing something so I had to wait a few seconds for him to get to the window. By this time the guy in the other car had was already behind me. I put my money in the tray and was tellin the cashier which pump and at the same time the man behind me leaned and sniffed my neck. I mean not a sutle whiff around me, I felt his moustache on my neck and freaked me out. Since when do people get close enough to bite you and then smell you, is this new?! I asked "what the hell is wrong with you" and and brushed it off and said "You smell good", so I told him "to back up before I maced his ass" he told me to calm down, that he meant no harm" (now who uses that phrase, I mean you no harm, that is shady in itself). See I normally like it when someone says I smell good and asks what am I wearing, because my classic line is to say I farted because I think that is funny, but this crossed the line. Is this man walkin around smelling people, a nose whore?

After that I probably should have went home, but I told one of my passengers I would pick him up at 2:30 where I dropped him off. So he is normally a really nice guy, the best tipper, but this night he was drunk and he is Hispanic so he doesn't speak a whole lot of English. He kept telling me that I was just like him, our skin is alike, I said that may be, but "mami is el negro", he said no no, but I didn't fight it, I will be whatever he wants me to be for the trip(yes cabbing is like whoring, but you make less). So I got him home and was talking and talkin he paid me and gave me extra for looking so beautiful this night. I know he was drunk as hell cause I looked tore up, (I need to get my eyebrows done, I look like Burt from Burt and Ernie). He sat back there, I was done for the night and rambled some wild shit in Spanish, but then it got scary his voice changed like he was putting a curse on me, so I looked in the back and he was yelling, so I called him and he snapped out of it. So he was quiet for a sec and I said "okay, good night, see you later". His little ass laid out in the seat and started screaming that he loved me just constantly for like 15 more minutes, I told him he was on my time and it was time to go or pay me to stay. He said "name your price I will give you anything".

I told him to get out, after that, he said I will not without a kiss, I want the kiss, I said in my threatening voice to get the fuck out. I gave him one more minute and said "okay", I pulled off and he opened the door and sort of fell out, I slowed up to make sure I didn't roll over his drunk ass and kept going. Why was he blowing my phone up during the Superbowl, can you believe that shit?

Whoever sprayed me with the pheromones, if you were experimenting and you are out there and reading this.....they work. Curse you Mojo Jojo.

How Rude!

So I sitting a stop light and I see and man in a wheelchair which at first glace it appears as though he was hurled into the street, by this couple. The wind was really blowing the people that were pushing, hesitated but then kept going. I think they were helping him up to the walk way and he said something like I got it from here.

But he came speeding into the middle of the street, I was still waiting at the light, but I have to go straight through the street where he is in the middle of. He only had one leg, which he was balancing the chair with, he wasn't using his hands, do you want to know why? because he was trying to eat and drink with them. So instead of getting out of the street, he was in the middle of the street slowly scooting out with his leg while eating and drinking. There were cars on both sides so I could not go around I had to wait, and he took his sweet time!

This really pissed me off and it was rude, he knew I was trying to get around him he just wouldn't move he was a huge asshole. I realize I am becoming dead inside...that I should be more sympathetic, but people make it hard. If would have ran his ass off the road I would have been the bad guy.

A Gentleman

So I was on the phone with my white friend and I took a call over the radio, but I needed gas. I pull into the gas station and I see another cab at the pump but he looks hesitant, (he started to put the gas handle back and stopped and put it to his car, then stopped again and put it in his tank). I thought that was strange, so I pull up, so I see why he was so hesitant. The car door was open on a caravan across from the pumps, and this man was pullin someone, so I say to my friend, I think he is tryin to throw this girl out the car, but then he starts to punchin, so I pull up some, it wasn't a girl he was whippin this mans ass, so I pull off.

I told my friend that it was a man gettin his ass whipped not a woman gettin put out of the car. He sounded confused, so I tell him that when a ghetto mofo gets mad at you he will throw yo ass out the car physically, but a gentleman will ask you to go into the store and get him something and pull off and leave you. He said "what! that is what you call a gentleman" I had to laugh when I realized how stupid I sounded, but I know what I meant, it is fucked up either way.

The Lesbian Brawl

So I pick up this guy from an apartment and I can tell by the way he looks, that he is going to flirt. So he gets in and is like, “well this is a treat a woman driver.” I said "O I thought you were going to say an American" and laughed and he said, “well I thought you would have an accent, but you don't so that is good too.” So he starts right into his story..” Man I met this girl at the gym and she seemed to be feelin me, she told me she was gay, but I was like fuck it, when she invited me over. I go over there and she is like you want to watch me and my girlfriend have sex.” He was like “hell no, I don’t want to watch, I want to be a part of that shit!” so he and I laughed and he continued, “so she felt my dick and saw what I was workin with, so then the man one comes home.” I said, “the butch one?” and he said, “yea that is what she is called the butch one. “

He said, “she started flirtin with me harder then so did the female one, the female went outside and the butch one wanted to see my dick too, by the time the female came in the house the butch one was pullin up her pants, she was showin me her ass.” He said "actually the butch was was badder than the female one, she just wore boy clothes. So apparently the night before a female condom was found on the floor by the butch one so they were already having some issues. The female said something to the butch, all I know is that butch one smooched the female and they got to wreckin in the house".

So I said you should have stopped everything and been like "whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, I will fuck both of yall! No need to fight, I mean both of ya'll can suck my dick, everybody calm down, there's enough of big daddy to go around". So he fell out laughin and said “you damn right, I should have said that, I am backed up too, shiiiiiiiit". So I laughed. He left me $20.00 on a $7.00 dollar ride.