Pheromones

I think someone must have sprayed experimental pheromones on me Saturday night, because it was just too much. The first guy I picked up, was nice and we chatted back and forth and I flirted a little bit, was feelin good, wasn't broken yet. We get to his house and his trip is $8.00, he gave me $28.00. So I look at the money and say "you gave me $28.00 instead of $8.00" and he says "I know, I wanted to know if you would masturbate for me". I know I should be offended about this request, but I am more offended about the amount he offered. I mean a crackhead would request more! I gave him his $20.00 back and told him to have a nice day.

Later on in the evening, I stopped to get gas and there was no one there a bit erie of course when I pull up another car does as well. The attendant was doing something so I had to wait a few seconds for him to get to the window. By this time the guy in the other car had was already behind me. I put my money in the tray and was tellin the cashier which pump and at the same time the man behind me leaned and sniffed my neck. I mean not a sutle whiff around me, I felt his moustache on my neck and freaked me out. Since when do people get close enough to bite you and then smell you, is this new?! I asked "what the hell is wrong with you" and and brushed it off and said "You smell good", so I told him "to back up before I maced his ass" he told me to calm down, that he meant no harm" (now who uses that phrase, I mean you no harm, that is shady in itself). See I normally like it when someone says I smell good and asks what am I wearing, because my classic line is to say I farted because I think that is funny, but this crossed the line. Is this man walkin around smelling people, a nose whore?

After that I probably should have went home, but I told one of my passengers I would pick him up at 2:30 where I dropped him off. So he is normally a really nice guy, the best tipper, but this night he was drunk and he is Hispanic so he doesn't speak a whole lot of English. He kept telling me that I was just like him, our skin is alike, I said that may be, but "mami is el negro", he said no no, but I didn't fight it, I will be whatever he wants me to be for the trip(yes cabbing is like whoring, but you make less). So I got him home and was talking and talkin he paid me and gave me extra for looking so beautiful this night. I know he was drunk as hell cause I looked tore up, (I need to get my eyebrows done, I look like Burt from Burt and Ernie). He sat back there, I was done for the night and rambled some wild shit in Spanish, but then it got scary his voice changed like he was putting a curse on me, so I looked in the back and he was yelling, so I called him and he snapped out of it. So he was quiet for a sec and I said "okay, good night, see you later". His little ass laid out in the seat and started screaming that he loved me just constantly for like 15 more minutes, I told him he was on my time and it was time to go or pay me to stay. He said "name your price I will give you anything".

I told him to get out, after that, he said I will not without a kiss, I want the kiss, I said in my threatening voice to get the fuck out. I gave him one more minute and said "okay", I pulled off and he opened the door and sort of fell out, I slowed up to make sure I didn't roll over his drunk ass and kept going. Why was he blowing my phone up during the Superbowl, can you believe that shit?

Whoever sprayed me with the pheromones, if you were experimenting and you are out there and reading this.....they work. Curse you Mojo Jojo.

How Rude!

So I sitting a stop light and I see and man in a wheelchair which at first glace it appears as though he was hurled into the street, by this couple. The wind was really blowing the people that were pushing, hesitated but then kept going. I think they were helping him up to the walk way and he said something like I got it from here.

But he came speeding into the middle of the street, I was still waiting at the light, but I have to go straight through the street where he is in the middle of. He only had one leg, which he was balancing the chair with, he wasn't using his hands, do you want to know why? because he was trying to eat and drink with them. So instead of getting out of the street, he was in the middle of the street slowly scooting out with his leg while eating and drinking. There were cars on both sides so I could not go around I had to wait, and he took his sweet time!

This really pissed me off and it was rude, he knew I was trying to get around him he just wouldn't move he was a huge asshole. I realize I am becoming dead inside...that I should be more sympathetic, but people make it hard. If would have ran his ass off the road I would have been the bad guy.

A Gentleman

So I was on the phone with my white friend and I took a call over the radio, but I needed gas. I pull into the gas station and I see another cab at the pump but he looks hesitant, (he started to put the gas handle back and stopped and put it to his car, then stopped again and put it in his tank). I thought that was strange, so I pull up, so I see why he was so hesitant. The car door was open on a caravan across from the pumps, and this man was pullin someone, so I say to my friend, I think he is tryin to throw this girl out the car, but then he starts to punchin, so I pull up some, it wasn't a girl he was whippin this mans ass, so I pull off.

I told my friend that it was a man gettin his ass whipped not a woman gettin put out of the car. He sounded confused, so I tell him that when a ghetto mofo gets mad at you he will throw yo ass out the car physically, but a gentleman will ask you to go into the store and get him something and pull off and leave you. He said "what! that is what you call a gentleman" I had to laugh when I realized how stupid I sounded, but I know what I meant, it is fucked up either way.

The Lesbian Brawl

So I pick up this guy from an apartment and I can tell by the way he looks, that he is going to flirt. So he gets in and is like, “well this is a treat a woman driver.” I said "O I thought you were going to say an American" and laughed and he said, “well I thought you would have an accent, but you don't so that is good too.” So he starts right into his story..” Man I met this girl at the gym and she seemed to be feelin me, she told me she was gay, but I was like fuck it, when she invited me over. I go over there and she is like you want to watch me and my girlfriend have sex.” He was like “hell no, I don’t want to watch, I want to be a part of that shit!” so he and I laughed and he continued, “so she felt my dick and saw what I was workin with, so then the man one comes home.” I said, “the butch one?” and he said, “yea that is what she is called the butch one. “

He said, “she started flirtin with me harder then so did the female one, the female went outside and the butch one wanted to see my dick too, by the time the female came in the house the butch one was pullin up her pants, she was showin me her ass.” He said "actually the butch was was badder than the female one, she just wore boy clothes. So apparently the night before a female condom was found on the floor by the butch one so they were already having some issues. The female said something to the butch, all I know is that butch one smooched the female and they got to wreckin in the house".

So I said you should have stopped everything and been like "whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, I will fuck both of yall! No need to fight, I mean both of ya'll can suck my dick, everybody calm down, there's enough of big daddy to go around". So he fell out laughin and said “you damn right, I should have said that, I am backed up too, shiiiiiiiit". So I laughed. He left me $20.00 on a $7.00 dollar ride.

The Scared Ones

FedEx fields is not in the best area of Prince Georges County and depending on which way you exit, you are right smack in the wrong place. This is where I sit and wait for my prey. They think they are going toward the metro, but are completely turned around. I picked up a young white couple to take them back to their hotel. The way you come out of this area, you have to ride through the ghetto to get to certain parts to avoid the traffic.

I told them I was going to take a back way to get them to their hotel so we wouldn't get caught in traffic. They hadn't said a peep, man I glanced in the the back, they were frightened to death, the woman asked me could I lock the doors so I did, they were clutchin each other, like they were the only white people in the middle of SouthEast. Then they said "why are you taking us this way", I said "to avoid traffic", then I got cute and asked them did they want to get out and get another cab (I laughed so hard inside). What losers!

The Skins Fan

After the redskins game, I picked up to white guys (I know I vowed before not to do it), but money is tight. The guy got into the back of my car, they wanted me to take them to the metro. I asked who won the game, he said the other team, I can't remember who they were playing. So he started punchin the back of my seat like a punchin bag, and screaming...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I CAN'T BELEIVE THEY LOST. This lasted for about 1 minute until the guy he was with was like calm down man damn. They talked for a bit and then got in a fight about money. We arrived at the station and the sane guy paid me and got out and closed the door on the other guy (the one punchin the seat) “…looked at me and said, “ this was your fault, you got to the station too soon” in a weird calm voice. So I looked in the rear view mirror and he said, "how much did he give you"? with a slur, and I said, "$10. 00", he stared at me for 10 seconds and then got out of the car!

Long Leg Lola

So I pick up a lady at the metro station. When she got in the first thing she said was, "Wow women driving cabs now". I said "women got bills to", so she laughed and just started rambling, she said "you know there is a place where you don't have bills, and you can be with your family, you don' t have work or worry about money", so I interjected and said "is this place virtual". she was like "no it is called heaven".... first thought bible thumper. So I said "I see, you have to be dead to get there". So she rambled on and on about church, and then said can you take me to the gas station so I can get some cream soda. I said "sure".

Here is where things get strange. I pull up to the gas station, mind you I never got a good look at her. She said "I am leaving my stuff in the back, don't leave me, I don't want to walk, there are some crazies around here". I am sitting there waiting, and all of a sudden this lady pushes the the gas station door all rough and is moving swiftly in my direction, I am like WTF, she had a nappy bush pushed up (not picked), thick bifocals, and a long black trench coat that was bubbled up like the Michelin Man, she opened the door all hard, I thought she robbed the place, so I looked back all quick and said everything okay, and she said, "O yea, I got what I came for" (she stole that shit).

So I start off to her house and some how the conversation gets on pedophiles and you don't know who's doing what and telling me about her five children, (now I swear it was not me that lead her to this conversation, cause everyone that knows me, knows I think everybody is a pedophile or rapist, but this time it wasn't me). So we pull into the apartment complex and she hands me the Jehovah's witness literature, and paid me, then she opens the door steps out and says "they call me Long Leg Lola" in a sensual voice (with that hair and glasses). So I looked at her with a confused face and said okay (I am like why the hell is she telling me this), have a nice night and she closes the door..... I think she might have been a whore.