Now You Can't Get a Cab

So I pull up to the station and one regular Hispanic rider and his friend are waiting. They come to the cab and get in bitchin that they can't get a cab and the new independent drivers won't pick them up!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!! Are they stealin the black mans plight?!

The Tipper

It was another nice night and not much action. I was on the phone and someone got in the back of my car. I look back and his eyes were bloodshot and was drunk as shit. He told me the station manager would not let him ride the train, but he needed to get home or to as least Addison Road where there were no metro police. He asked me how much, i said probably about $15.00. He said he didn't have that much, so I said "you short then, you need to find another way. He said he had $10.00 I told him that wasn't enough, that wouldn't even cover gas, he was I love you baby passin in and out of his drunkenness. So we argue and he is about to get out and I wave a guy who is waiting over to get in the car.

The drunk guy gets out and leaves the door open and the other guy comes around the other side to get in. The drunk guys talks to him a but and they both get back in. I asked sober guy does he got him and he hands me some money. So I pull off and ask them where they are going. The sober guy was going to Palmer Park and the drunk was going to Addison Road. The Drunk guy was in the back shaken his head back and forth real hard to the music, I mean if he hit the glass he would have been unconscious askin me can I turn it up and just actin crazy, so we get close the to the sober guys house and he says, you can take him first. He probably new something was up with the guy, later in the ride he even reached through the glass and rubbed my shoulder.

Anyway we get to Addison road I drop him off and start back towards the nice guys house. He ask me how much it would be and I said I wouldn't charge him anything extra, cause he gave me the $20.00 bill up front. I drop him off and that was that. I went to the gas station and pulled the money out, why did the guy give me a $50.00 bill, WTF. I felt terrible because I didn't look at the bill when he gave it to me I knew it wasn't a 5.00 or a 10.00 bill. So I got gas and stopped for food (because that is important - cause this ass needs more fat (sarcasm)). I went back to the guys house to give him $30.00 back. After the hell of getting him out, he came out and I explained that I didn't realize he had given me a $50.00. He says oh I don't mind tippin, I looked at and said " that was a big tip" and gave him the $30.00 and started to walk away he said at least keep $10.00".

He was a really nice guy, some poor woman is abusing the shit out his ass! I just hope it wasn't that loud mouth bitch that came to the door, he can do so much better.

The Trunk

So Monday night was beautiful, one of the few nice days since spring has begun. It was really slow, so I was sitting at the station and the cab driver in front of me pops his trunk and gets in. he was looking through some things, but just sitting there, (just like the picture above, but turned to the side). Several trains pulled in and he never attempted to get out, just in case a customer came up (he was the first driver on the stand-a customer would come to him first).

I just went home.

O She Got Issues!

So I am on the way to pick up one of my regulars from his second job, but I had a little time to kill. So it is the first warm day of spring and everybody is out enjoying the night. I am sitting at the light and I get flagged down by a lady. I tell her that I am in route to pick up someone and she says "please we have been waiting here for an hour". I look and she has an infant on her shoulder and the other girl has two small children in a stroller they look around 2 years old, so I pull over, trying to be nice.

The lady opens the front door and puts her wrap around scarf and a folder on the front seat. So I pop the trunk so they can put the stroller in. So I hear the younger girl scream "Do you want me or not" to the top of her lungs, this didn't bother me cause I have been driving for a while now, and I am so desensitized now that I can ignore it.

So they are taking their time, I am like "you need to come on, I have a pick up and you are asking me to go across town, you need to hurry up". So the two little kids get in the back seat, so their momma is still taking her time and she has the door open and one foot in, still yelling on her cellphone. So the older lady walks over and says "look we have to go she is pressed for time", and takes her cellphone. She starts banging on the back of the glass screaming "I can't take this, I don't understand why everyone wants to break up", so she jumps out of the car and says, "I don't care what you do to me this time, I am gone" , and walks off leaving all the kids. So the lady is standing there with an infant and the two little kids in the back. She looks at me and I look her and say "I got to go...you need to get them or they will be on this corner". So she gets the kids and the stroller and almost leaves her things in the front seat.

I thought to myself the first sign was this bitch yelling outside the car that something was wrong, in retrospect it was the envelope the lady laid on the front seat, this lady wasn't this girls sister or mother, she was social worker, or some kind of mental counselor.

If you are wondering I was on time to get my customer.

The Nut Job

So it is Saturday night and I don't really feel like going out, but I have a 10:00 pick-up, so I just hang around the house until it gets close to time. So around 9:20, I leave out to go and gas up to pick up my customer. I get to the gas station and what appears to be a homeless man coming around the corner. He screams he has $50.00 and I should take him with me. He laughs and walks over to the pump. He says "my name is Joe, now you know me and you can take me with you". I said " I don't know you," He said "I said my name is Joe Miller, so you do know me". I said "I know your name, but I don't know you". He says "I am famous in DC and VA" I say " for what". He stopped and stared at and I repeated what I said " What are you famous for, you could be a rapist".

He said "that is how woman like it, they want to be raped," his voice starts to escalate and I am still pumping gas "THAT'S HOW THEY WANT IT, THEY WANT TO BE RAPED BY JOE MILLER." I hang the pump up and put the gas cap on. I open the car door and get in and before I close the door he throws his head in the door and screams "I CAN SEE YOUR TITTIES", and softly says "Can I touch them". I get immediately agitated because my night with the crazies hasn't even begun, I am just gassin up. So my voice escalates " You better get the fuck away from my car," He paused and looked very surprised, I wonder what he was thinkin? It took him like 5 secs but he eased back and I closed my door. He was standing outside saying something, I just pulled off.

I mean the night hadn't even started yet DAMN! The night ended with one of my passengers clutchin his chest with heart burn, throwing up outside my car and thanking me for picking him up.

The Prostitute

So of course it is Friday, and I am filling my tank to get ready for the night. So a young girl walks up and asks me if I am working, I tell her "yes, where do you need to go", so about 3 guys walk over and they want to only go around the corner, to the strip club, so I say okay, we get there and they can barely pay their cab fare. So the guy comes over and says to the girl that got them the ride, you know you can't come in so, just go home and I will come and see you later.


So she gets a little upset and he looks at me and says, “I don't have the money right now to give you to take her back, but give her your number and I will call you later and pay you.” I pause for a second, cause I don't have time for these games, but I still didn't want to leave her sitting outside the club. So I just said okay and took her back, it was only two blocks up.

So I said why couldn't you get in. She says well there was an incident. So I didn't inquire further, so I said why would they bring you here and then not take you in, she said well he is a pimp so he has to come here to regulate the girls. I said how is he a pimp with no money. Then I was like who in the hell needs a pimp in 2011. I mean with the Internet/cellphones isn't that like the death of the pimp?! you can set your own appointments rates, advertise, set security and privacy accordingly.

As I rambled on, I heard nothing but crickets, so I look over for some feedback andI saw the look of sadness in her eye, I didn't realize she was a prostitute, I just didn't realize before. I should have reiterated we all are grabbing our ankles (whoring ourselves) when we go to work each day, we are no different than she...it is called life.

I gave her my number like she asked and I dropped her at the McDonald's so she could eat and left.

Girl Power

So I haven't been picking up off the radio lately cause too much is happening behind the mic between the cabbies and dispatch and I am tired of hearing the arguments. So this particular night, it is slow at the station so I decide to work the radio.

I pull up in front of the house and have dispatch call her out, she comes out and her shoes are on the porch so she puts them on, then I see her start to do this little dance while coming to the car and it was her and two other guys that followed, she got in the car was so excited that I was a female cab driver. She made up a little jingle for me because I was a female cab driver (it had lyrics a tune, it was too much), I mean she was really excited, once I dropped them, she was like "GIRL POWER alright" (like Adam when he drew his sword to turn into He-Man) , "we can do it all!" I am a tad broken after this trip so I go on back to the station.

My next fare is two women they were also very excited about me driving and they have never seen a woman driving a cab before. Let me just clear something up ladies, this is not good, It is like being excited that the prison population went from being mostly men to 50% women. I make less than I would be if I were whoring myself, which pisses me off, one of my passengers was a prostitute (will post about her later), but she just made $200.00 in less than 30 minutes to piss on someone. I would have high-fived her if I wasn't scared to touch her. My point is this is not a step up, we don't want to be here.

I could have been an heiress if it weren't for my broke ass parents!

Pheromones

I think someone must have sprayed experimental pheromones on me Saturday night, because it was just too much. The first guy I picked up, was nice and we chatted back and forth and I flirted a little bit, was feelin good, wasn't broken yet. We get to his house and his trip is $8.00, he gave me $28.00. So I look at the money and say "you gave me $28.00 instead of $8.00" and he says "I know, I wanted to know if you would masturbate for me". I know I should be offended about this request, but I am more offended about the amount he offered. I mean a crackhead would request more! I gave him his $20.00 back and told him to have a nice day.

Later on in the evening, I stopped to get gas and there was no one there a bit erie of course when I pull up another car does as well. The attendant was doing something so I had to wait a few seconds for him to get to the window. By this time the guy in the other car had was already behind me. I put my money in the tray and was tellin the cashier which pump and at the same time the man behind me leaned and sniffed my neck. I mean not a sutle whiff around me, I felt his moustache on my neck and freaked me out. Since when do people get close enough to bite you and then smell you, is this new?! I asked "what the hell is wrong with you" and and brushed it off and said "You smell good", so I told him "to back up before I maced his ass" he told me to calm down, that he meant no harm" (now who uses that phrase, I mean you no harm, that is shady in itself). See I normally like it when someone says I smell good and asks what am I wearing, because my classic line is to say I farted because I think that is funny, but this crossed the line. Is this man walkin around smelling people, a nose whore?

After that I probably should have went home, but I told one of my passengers I would pick him up at 2:30 where I dropped him off. So he is normally a really nice guy, the best tipper, but this night he was drunk and he is Hispanic so he doesn't speak a whole lot of English. He kept telling me that I was just like him, our skin is alike, I said that may be, but "mami is el negro", he said no no, but I didn't fight it, I will be whatever he wants me to be for the trip(yes cabbing is like whoring, but you make less). So I got him home and was talking and talkin he paid me and gave me extra for looking so beautiful this night. I know he was drunk as hell cause I looked tore up, (I need to get my eyebrows done, I look like Burt from Burt and Ernie). He sat back there, I was done for the night and rambled some wild shit in Spanish, but then it got scary his voice changed like he was putting a curse on me, so I looked in the back and he was yelling, so I called him and he snapped out of it. So he was quiet for a sec and I said "okay, good night, see you later". His little ass laid out in the seat and started screaming that he loved me just constantly for like 15 more minutes, I told him he was on my time and it was time to go or pay me to stay. He said "name your price I will give you anything".

I told him to get out, after that, he said I will not without a kiss, I want the kiss, I said in my threatening voice to get the fuck out. I gave him one more minute and said "okay", I pulled off and he opened the door and sort of fell out, I slowed up to make sure I didn't roll over his drunk ass and kept going. Why was he blowing my phone up during the Superbowl, can you believe that shit?

Whoever sprayed me with the pheromones, if you were experimenting and you are out there and reading this.....they work. Curse you Mojo Jojo.

How Rude!

So I sitting a stop light and I see and man in a wheelchair which at first glace it appears as though he was hurled into the street, by this couple. The wind was really blowing the people that were pushing, hesitated but then kept going. I think they were helping him up to the walk way and he said something like I got it from here.

But he came speeding into the middle of the street, I was still waiting at the light, but I have to go straight through the street where he is in the middle of. He only had one leg, which he was balancing the chair with, he wasn't using his hands, do you want to know why? because he was trying to eat and drink with them. So instead of getting out of the street, he was in the middle of the street slowly scooting out with his leg while eating and drinking. There were cars on both sides so I could not go around I had to wait, and he took his sweet time!

This really pissed me off and it was rude, he knew I was trying to get around him he just wouldn't move he was a huge asshole. I realize I am becoming dead inside...that I should be more sympathetic, but people make it hard. If would have ran his ass off the road I would have been the bad guy.

A Gentleman

So I was on the phone with my white friend and I took a call over the radio, but I needed gas. I pull into the gas station and I see another cab at the pump but he looks hesitant, (he started to put the gas handle back and stopped and put it to his car, then stopped again and put it in his tank). I thought that was strange, so I pull up, so I see why he was so hesitant. The car door was open on a caravan across from the pumps, and this man was pullin someone, so I say to my friend, I think he is tryin to throw this girl out the car, but then he starts to punchin, so I pull up some, it wasn't a girl he was whippin this mans ass, so I pull off.

I told my friend that it was a man gettin his ass whipped not a woman gettin put out of the car. He sounded confused, so I tell him that when a ghetto mofo gets mad at you he will throw yo ass out the car physically, but a gentleman will ask you to go into the store and get him something and pull off and leave you. He said "what! that is what you call a gentleman" I had to laugh when I realized how stupid I sounded, but I know what I meant, it is fucked up either way.

The Lesbian Brawl

So I pick up this guy from an apartment and I can tell by the way he looks, that he is going to flirt. So he gets in and is like, “well this is a treat a woman driver.” I said "O I thought you were going to say an American" and laughed and he said, “well I thought you would have an accent, but you don't so that is good too.” So he starts right into his story..” Man I met this girl at the gym and she seemed to be feelin me, she told me she was gay, but I was like fuck it, when she invited me over. I go over there and she is like you want to watch me and my girlfriend have sex.” He was like “hell no, I don’t want to watch, I want to be a part of that shit!” so he and I laughed and he continued, “so she felt my dick and saw what I was workin with, so then the man one comes home.” I said, “the butch one?” and he said, “yea that is what she is called the butch one. “

He said, “she started flirtin with me harder then so did the female one, the female went outside and the butch one wanted to see my dick too, by the time the female came in the house the butch one was pullin up her pants, she was showin me her ass.” He said "actually the butch was was badder than the female one, she just wore boy clothes. So apparently the night before a female condom was found on the floor by the butch one so they were already having some issues. The female said something to the butch, all I know is that butch one smooched the female and they got to wreckin in the house".

So I said you should have stopped everything and been like "whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, I will fuck both of yall! No need to fight, I mean both of ya'll can suck my dick, everybody calm down, there's enough of big daddy to go around". So he fell out laughin and said “you damn right, I should have said that, I am backed up too, shiiiiiiiit". So I laughed. He left me $20.00 on a $7.00 dollar ride.

The Scared Ones

FedEx fields is not in the best area of Prince Georges County and depending on which way you exit, you are right smack in the wrong place. This is where I sit and wait for my prey. They think they are going toward the metro, but are completely turned around. I picked up a young white couple to take them back to their hotel. The way you come out of this area, you have to ride through the ghetto to get to certain parts to avoid the traffic.

I told them I was going to take a back way to get them to their hotel so we wouldn't get caught in traffic. They hadn't said a peep, man I glanced in the the back, they were frightened to death, the woman asked me could I lock the doors so I did, they were clutchin each other, like they were the only white people in the middle of SouthEast. Then they said "why are you taking us this way", I said "to avoid traffic", then I got cute and asked them did they want to get out and get another cab (I laughed so hard inside). What losers!

The Skins Fan

After the redskins game, I picked up to white guys (I know I vowed before not to do it), but money is tight. The guy got into the back of my car, they wanted me to take them to the metro. I asked who won the game, he said the other team, I can't remember who they were playing. So he started punchin the back of my seat like a punchin bag, and screaming...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I CAN'T BELEIVE THEY LOST. This lasted for about 1 minute until the guy he was with was like calm down man damn. They talked for a bit and then got in a fight about money. We arrived at the station and the sane guy paid me and got out and closed the door on the other guy (the one punchin the seat) “…looked at me and said, “ this was your fault, you got to the station too soon” in a weird calm voice. So I looked in the rear view mirror and he said, "how much did he give you"? with a slur, and I said, "$10. 00", he stared at me for 10 seconds and then got out of the car!

Long Leg Lola

So I pick up a lady at the metro station. When she got in the first thing she said was, "Wow women driving cabs now". I said "women got bills to", so she laughed and just started rambling, she said "you know there is a place where you don't have bills, and you can be with your family, you don' t have work or worry about money", so I interjected and said "is this place virtual". she was like "no it is called heaven".... first thought bible thumper. So I said "I see, you have to be dead to get there". So she rambled on and on about church, and then said can you take me to the gas station so I can get some cream soda. I said "sure".

Here is where things get strange. I pull up to the gas station, mind you I never got a good look at her. She said "I am leaving my stuff in the back, don't leave me, I don't want to walk, there are some crazies around here". I am sitting there waiting, and all of a sudden this lady pushes the the gas station door all rough and is moving swiftly in my direction, I am like WTF, she had a nappy bush pushed up (not picked), thick bifocals, and a long black trench coat that was bubbled up like the Michelin Man, she opened the door all hard, I thought she robbed the place, so I looked back all quick and said everything okay, and she said, "O yea, I got what I came for" (she stole that shit).

So I start off to her house and some how the conversation gets on pedophiles and you don't know who's doing what and telling me about her five children, (now I swear it was not me that lead her to this conversation, cause everyone that knows me, knows I think everybody is a pedophile or rapist, but this time it wasn't me). So we pull into the apartment complex and she hands me the Jehovah's witness literature, and paid me, then she opens the door steps out and says "they call me Long Leg Lola" in a sensual voice (with that hair and glasses). So I looked at her with a confused face and said okay (I am like why the hell is she telling me this), have a nice night and she closes the door..... I think she might have been a whore.

Random Facts

A man got in my car tonight, after he told me where he wanted to go he let me know that a womans mouth is the same as her vagnial lips, I just said "o yea", that was it there was no other conversation. I dropped him off and he paid me.

The Translation

It was slow last night, and a foreign guy (Hispanic looking) gets into the car. He has his address written down, I take him to the street and he says something under his breath, so I thought he was asking how much, so my dumb ass says "$8.00". she says it again, I repeat "$8.00" again, so he looks at me and nods and I look at him and nod, so he says it louder, and finally understood what he was saying, he was saying suck dick... suck dick. So then the confusion for me was does he think I am sucking his dick for $8.00 or do I know where he can get his dick sucked.

So I say "no suck dick", and did my arms in a driving fashion (the drive) and said $8.00. He said okay and gave me $10.00 and got out of the car. So I guess he was asking me to suck his dick, since he left with no further clarification.

I am burned out doing this shit. The hatred is at an all time high.

The Tussle

I was at the metro on the phone with my white friend, I look up and and see this guy and girl fightin like shit. So they must have been fighting for a minute because they both look winded. He starts to choke her! One of the cars started to honk the horn, but that is it. My white friend was like "what the fuck call the police!" and you were like "I ain't getting involved, there are other people out here including the station manager, it was right in front of the station; and no one else was doing anything" There was a guy driving the car and also a guy in the backseat, the guy gets out the back of the car and says something, and the guy choking the girl, stuffs her in the car and they pull off.

What was that (I farted), no really what was that?

The Toss

It was as Sunday and slow, but it was a home game night at FedEx Fields, so I was really waiting for the game to end to make the money for that night. I was coming back from a drop in DC and as usual I swung around to Cheverly metro to catch some stragglers. A guy walked up and asks if I am working, I tell him yes and he gets in. He said "I need to go multiple places if that is okay, so we gonna take a ride". I said "okay", he gave me $60.00 up front. He said money isn't an issue tonight, he just came into some good fortune.

So he was nice, talkin about his relationship I was giving him advice as I usually do. So the strangeness starts to come out, so he asks me if he could use my cellphone cause he doesn't have one. I let him use it, so we are ridin on 295 and he points to the trees and says I am going to go cop some of these". I say o yea, he said "You know what I mean". I said "no and I don't want to know". so I drop him off wait a minute and he gets back in, he says can you take me to the liquor store. So while we are in line, there is a helicopter in the air, mind you there is a game at FedEx fields, which I assume the helicopter was watchin. But he says that helicopter has been following us. I said I don't think so it is not close enough and this is not GoodFellas, you need to live yo life right, so he starts to laugh, as we pull out of the liquor store, he asks if I could roll down his window (I control all of the windows). I said "okay" this nigga threw his cellphone out of the window.

#1 where did you get a cellphone he told me he didn't have one and
#2 why the hell did you through it out of the window.

The helicopter was too close, so now he needed to get a new phone, so we went to like 3 Lowest Price gas stations to see if they had any of those quick phones. At the second gas station we went to he started to pick up a prostitute but changed his mind. He gave her the opener and she said why don't you give me a ride? He paused and then said, you have to ask her and pointed at me. (WTF?), she just kept walkin, so he closed the door and proceeded to say that the lord saved him from her (I can't). So he just kept talkin about the damn helicopter, so we get him a phone I take him to Popeyes and then to his house.

The sad thing is by the end of the ride, I think that helicopter was following us. I didn't see it anymore after I dropped him. So he was like, "I like you do you have any cards". I said "naw, none on me", he "said don't worry I will get your number from my man I called earlier"....

"THAT BITCH SET ME UP" (Marion Barry).

The Hat

A man walked through the metro parking lot with this hat on last night, except it was black with a white feather.

Pearls of Wisdom

As a child people always ask, what do you want to be when you grow up. You get moderate exposure to different things and you lie to people so they will shut up and leave you alone, cause you really don't know and don't care until one day you see it/hear and all the clouds just part and the sun shines upon you. Well that is what happened to me when I saw a madam on TV. A pimp, seemed to be my calling, this was the perfect profession. The "middle man" I am the perfect middle man and I all have to do is arrange the date and collect the money, until I found out you had to be a whore first, it crushed my dreams...it really did.

So here I am under the seedy lights driving this cab, seems that I ended up whoring myself anyway. I had to give a bit of background because the passenger I picked up left a little light in my heart for a dream that died long ago.

The moon was high and bright this night and as I bent the corner a slight glint hit the cab, it was a nice night. As I was driving back to the station, I was being flagged down. I picked up a guy, he asked me to take him down town. He kept talking which I didn't feel like hearing because I was enjoying the weather, but I started to tune into his conversation. I don't even know what he was talkin about prior to me hearing this piece of information because I was just nodding my head. I heard him say, "my uncle is a pimp". I said "really when I was young I wanted to be a madam until I found out that you had to be a whore first." He told me that a lot of those madams are still under pimps, damn I had no idea that there was a hierarchy.

So I asked him do the pimps fuck all of their whoes? He told me there are two types of pimps. The ones that beat and fuck all their woman and the other types that turn the woman out; meaning before they make them a whoe they do everything imaginable to them to prep them for the game, they become addicted to the sex they want to be whoes. So once they come into the game he doesn't just have sex with them. I cut him off and said "oh they have to be up there to fuck big daddy huh", he thought that was so funny, but yea that is exactly right.

Man if I didn't have to be a whore I would have made a great pimp! But instead I am getting pimped Oh Well c'est la vie! I thought I would share these pearls of wisdom.

(and yes I do cry myself to sleep at night! I know you were thinking it).